Empty Handed & Offended

I kept saying that I was going to write about the missions trip that I was on in Tennessee June 16th-21st. I finally am; & I'm kind of eager to... but I want to share one story in particular.

Our second day on the missions trip my Youth Group & the adults who came along split into 2 groups. Both groups went to a different homeless shelter. Sadly, at our shelter the people staying there were somewhere else at the time. I kept telling my Youth Pastor how I was dissapointed about that - I had gone expecting to be able to talk with atleast a few people, to just hear their stories & complete honesty. I'm the type of person who loves conversation & honesty, I long for it I think. But, also, I said I wanted to be able to talk with atleast a few people - I'm also a shy & quiet person... so wanting that seemed odd for me, but I guess I'm kind of getting a balance in that somehow. :)

After my group was done with half the day of doing a few things at the shelter we went to a near-by "park" [the type with benches [AND A BUILT IN WATERFALL/FOUNTAIN]. But, we ate lunch there & while a group of us were eating lunch nearly 15people started walking up to us asking for sandwhiches & drinks & so on. Later we found out that this was a park where homeless often stayed & the very spot we were sitting & eating was the very spot many people came to give food to the homeless... so we were front & center with people crowding around us thinking we were there to feed them... so we did just that. We fed them, they walked away with sandwhiches, drinks & chips in hand.

I made my way to the sandwhiches again, after already having one I decided to get a half of another one. Sadly, after only 3 or 4 bites into the sandwhich I decided that I actually didn't want it & threw it away. Now, some will that is very "American-like" honestly, I just think it's very human-like, I think it's often in our nature to be greedy & wasteful, to want more than we can chew & then spit it out anyway [not only with food]. We aren't satisfied or are atleast hard to satisfy... I don't think it's only Americans, I think it's humans in general - of course, we [Americans] display it more often.

Literally 10minutes after I had thrown away this 2nd sandwhich of mine an African American [I actually hate it when people use someones race to discribe them - I'm not sure why I do, but anway, I just did it.] man who looked like he was in his late 50's, walked over to us in his tattered & torn clothing. This man's face alone made me smile! He walked up to us being completely giddy like he knew what he was going to get - that sandwhich in his hand like everyone else. But he walked up to my Youth Pastor asking, "Can I have a sandwhich?" Phil looked at him & said, "I'm sorry but we just gave the last one away." The mans face went from giddy to dissapointment - I've never seen the feeling of dissapointment so real or so evident. This man who had come to us thinking he was going to get the expected was soon haunted with the thought that he wasn't going to get anything at all.

Phil placed a little bag of chips into this mans hand. I stood there watching all of this take place with a granola bar in my hand - this man looked at me as if I was going to give it to him - it hadn't even crossed my mind that I had food in my hand until the man was walking blocks away.

I'm weeping while sharing this...

I went back to my dorm at Bryan College, where we were staying. I locked myself in my room & wept bitterly with my head in my hands, & saying random words to God while praying. I sat there crying & praying for nearly an hour. I never once remembered throwing my sandwhich away until I got back to my dorm, as soon as I walked in it hit me - 'I threw away what could've been that man's meal.' I remember repeatedly saying to God, "God I feel as if his hunger is my burden." I honestly think there are very few times that I've ever been that broken before. Me... I go around speaking about modern-day slavery & the unGodly injustice of it all - I'm writing two books about it right now & contacting Congressman. The very reality of that [modern-day slavery] scars me - burdens me... but also a man, in tattered & torn clothing leaves me in a room alone weeping for over an hour. I don't think it was the fact that he didn't get food that left me so broken [that was part of it] but I think the fact that the man was literally the poor & needy Jesus speaks of was what broke me.

I think within that hour I realized that its really offended my heart. It really offended my heart in thinking how so many people live that way, & what Jesus commanded to be in my heart - to be that poor in my spirit, to be that needy & desperate for Him. Jesus commands me to love the poor & the needy, to love the outcaste, to show justice & mercy to slaves I'm burdened for & passionate about, to love the homeless & the looked-down-upon, to love the people He has given me a love for - the Dalits in India who are considered "Untouchable" or subhuman.

A year ago I hadn't even known about half of the people mentioned above - I hadn't known that slavery was still going on in Africa, Asia, the Middle East or America... or even Ohio, or that people were Dalits in the country I love - India. But, a year ago it really offended my heart somehow. I remember a night about a year ago I was having some time with God & I uttered the words through weeping bitterly & praying, "God give me a burden for the poor & the needy. God, use me in whatever way you want. I'm willing." I wrote those very words in my journal as well - I just wanted to be broken for who He is broken for & I wanted to be willing to be used in anyway He wanted me even if it wasn't completely directed toward those very people.

Funny thing is [or not so funny]... God is faithful. That's expected right? Not only is God faithful by leading us to trusting Him, or being our Comforter, or whatever it may be... but He's faithful in laying it out bare & giving us what we've asked of Him, if it's according to His will. After saying those very words, "God give me a burden for the poor & needy. God, use me in whatever way you want. I'm willing" it was brought to my attention about "Untouchables" in India & I started writing a young girl through Gospel For Asia who is a Christian & an Untouchable. Then modern-day slavery was brought to my attention this December & now I'm fighting to end the unGodly injustice... & then the poor & needy were literally standing in front of me asking for food.

Now please realize that I don't want to over-spiritualize anything in the previous paragraph, I think we so often do that, but I do think God gives us opportunites if we ask for them & without God I don't know if I believe some of these things would've happened.

I kind of feel like the man who asked us for food... empty handed. I come before God empty handed, absolutely left with nothing to give Him that is worthy of anything. He doesn't desire sacrifices, He doesn't want what I think "will make it better" He desires a broken & contrite heart.

The one who's being broken, healed, offended & used by God... & it's a good thing.
Teresa [read the previous entry as well!]