Isolation & Desperation

So, I've never thought my life as one to be blogworthy... but I still didn't think that'd lead to me not writing for over 2 months! I've had countless people come up to me during the weeks and ask, "have you just stopped writing or what?" and I've had people leave comments on here asking me what's happened. Seriously, I don't know whats happened, it's a sad fact though.

I'm not going to write a "where in the heck has Teresa been" blog. I'm not going to catch up with everything I've been doing, because honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin... not that my life is hectic and blogworthy or anything. *grin*

I will not lie though, these past few weeks have been insane for me. I haven't been busy, I haven't began traveling for my speaking events, I haven't been gone all day and only home to get some sleep. No, infact I've mostly sat in my room since May 22nd thinking about the thoughts that have swarmed my head and the heaviness that conviction can bring.

Truth be told, I've been struggling off and on with a sin since sometime in April, and since the end of May I've been hiding it (someone had known about it before then but thought that I had stopped struggling with it because I had led them on to believe so.) I think that is the very thing that has kept me from writing - when I write I can easily become an open book, and I didn't want to allow my thoughts to completely spill out into these words here; so I stopped writing all together. The conviction became so unbearable that I stopped writing in my personal journal because I didn't want to take the time to have to think about the sin long enough to write about what was going on. The conviction became so unbearably heavy that my past two weeks were filled with nights of not getting to bed until 7am and sleeping for the next 3hours because my nights were heavy, my heart was heavy. I got to the point where I completely felt unworthy to come before God in any way... so what did I do? I stopped spending time with God, I claimed to be sick so that I wouldn't be driving to Church with the family on that Sunday morning.

After I began to get used to not having time with God during those 2 weeks I suddenly became desperate for it. God isn't Someone you can easily run from... especially if you're like me and you know that you actually want to be with Him but are just being stubborn and selfish... and sinful.

My isolation created desperation.

Isolating myself from God, from the Church, from loved ones around me were the very things I thought would make my conviction a lighter load - I hated the feeling of conviction, I don't think we were created to like it though. But, those very things I did in hope to give myself a lighter load were the very things that led me to a place of desperation. It led me to a place of complete brokenness, complete weariness. It led me to a place where I could truthfully say "I am poor and needy." (Psalm 86)

Last night and today those past few weeks have left me feeling that I have wasted time. That's a burden like no other. In my (almost) 3 years of following Christ I have never gone so long without spending time with God; those few weeks felt like a life time. But that burden is real; the burden of feeling as if I had wasted time. The burden that leaves you questioning "what could I have been doing if I wasn't in this sin?" Truth is I won't know, and I probably wouldn't want to know if I could.

The past few nights (when I'm most likely dealing with the heaviness of it all) kind of felt like the someone following Jesus who is right behind Him, trying to be steady in every step and then suddenly taking a fall, a trap placed right in front of me and instead of looking down and seeing the trap there, I fall right into it. Not only do I fall into it but I get up and out of the trap running to make my way closer to Jesus who is still leading me and then suddenly I look back and see that trap there again and run from Jesus to make my way back to that trap. And even when running toward the trap I keep looking back towards Jesus who has stopped, Who hasn't continued to walk without me, but is waiting for me; walking toward me even though I'm too darn stubborn to get out of that trap.

The heavy-heartedness was real. Conviction was real. Regret was real. The pain was real. The sorrow was real. The disappointment was real. The wretched feeling was real. The feeling of unworthiness was real.

The light-heartedness of Jesus is real. The forgivness from Him is real. The joy He can give is real. The comfort in sorrow He can give is real. The worth He creates in us is real.

I am unworthy of the forgiveness He willingly gives me; but I want to be one who willingly accepts it. One who runs towards Him in complete desperation instead of allowing my feeling of unworthiness to win this. I'm running towards Him in complete desperation.