No sleep... but the sun is rising

Its been over a month since I've written - which if you've been reading here long you know that's quite unusual. It hasn't been a lack of things happening that has kept me from writing - infact its been the opposite. So many things have been happening and I haven't found a way to gather them together into this one blog... but I'm trying.

I tend to be one who losses sleep when things aren't going well. My mind doesn't seem to stop and I tend to overthink things. And my heart just won't tire. I told a friend of mine yesterday that I woke up that morning from only 3 1/2 hours of sleep; and sadly today has began the same way.

I was sitting in the car yesterday with this same dear friend of mine, Nance. I've been friends with her for nearly 6 years. She tends to be that one person - who if you didn't know that you were dealing with something then she could quickly bring it to your attention within a matter of minutes. She knows how to hit you in the spot that you didn't want to go, but the place that needed to be visited. She knows how to open people, and open hearts. We were driving in her van when she looked over at me and said: "Teresa how is life going? How are you really doing?" I sat there and stared out the window for a moment and answered a few vague questions. Then she hit a certain few topics that I didn't want to go to. I answered her briefly and then sighed and said that I didn't feel like talking about it.

But that's not true. I do want to talk about it. I have a lot of things to say, I just don't know how to say them. I have somethings to say and things I'm feeling; but I don't think it's what people want to hear.

I sat in my bed last night talking with a dear friend of mine who I haven't seen for weeks and finally got to hear his voice. He has to be one of the most Godly young men that I know - and I've missed that about him (now that he's not in Ohio) so it was good to get a glimpse of that in him again over the phone. I caught up on how he was doing - I wanted to know. I think "how are you doing" seems to be one of the most unasked questions, or atleast the answers are seldomly cared about... and that truly makes me sad.

I shared with him how I've been doing - something I've been terribly struggling with. He said to me: "Teresa don't do it on your own. Give it to God, Teresa don't try to do it on your own." Those words have been clinging to me.

After hanging up the phone I sat on the floor in the quietness of my room wondering what it was that led me to saying that I didn't want to share with Nance yesterday. The only thing I've been led to is that I've really been trying to handle my life. I told my friend on the phone that lately I've been terrified of weakness, of showing weakness... sitting in the car with Nance, telling her how I've really been doing would show weakness.

I don't know about you - but I really can't handle my life; I don't have complete control over it! Things tend to happen so quickly that I don't have a moment to prepare for them or be on guard. So, I can't handle my life. I don't know why that 5 hours after the drive with Nance yesterday, that I finally began to be at peace with that and realizing this. I don't know why that 5 hours earlier I couldn't have realized that handling my life isn't my own job - that my life in is Someone Elses hands... God's. And maybe then I would've more easily or willingly shared with Nance.

I cannot handle my life; I don't and will never have complete control over it.. The words: "Give it to God, don't do it on your own" are replaying over and over again in my mind. I've really been trying to handle my life; trying to take every single thing under my own control. The words that my friend said on the phone have some how felt as if they've given me permission to realize that I'm not in control of my life - and that I've already been released of that BURDEN.

The burden of taking things upon my own shoulders, finding the right words and actions, dealing with everything as it comes my way, putting a guard up to be prepared, trying to hold things together, and trying to keep weaknesses hidden. It isn't my job... and that isn't my burden to carry alone.

For someone who says that "how are you" isn't asked enough; I tend to confuse myself. Because yesterday when I was asked that question I was fearful to give the real answer.

So, I cannot handle my life and I don't have complete control over it - and I'm not suppossed to.
It's comforting to know that it's not a bad thing to come before Jesus poor and needy.

"Hear O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy." -Psalm 86:1
We're promised to sometimes come before Jesus poor and needy, desperate and broken. But we are also promised that we don't have to handle it on our own - and that Jesus doesn't see that as a bad thing.

Some people may see that as weakness - admitting that our own lives can't be handled by ourselves. Some people may think that is where we ultimately fall... when we admit those words. But, I'm beginning to not see it like that (yes, I know I just completely contridicted what I was thinking yesterday.) I think that is the first step of courage and bravery... when we admit that we can't do it on our own; that we are in desperate need of the only One Who is known to be faithful. Maybe even saying the words "I can't handle my life, I can't do it on my own" to Jesus, is what we were called to do all along... to give up what we thought was ours and rightfully hand it over to Jesus.

I'm sorry about this blog - it's completely disconnected and scattered - a bit all over the place. But, I'm just full of thoughts this morning and desperate to share them.

God, help me to walk in Your promises.