It's after 1am in Ohio. Those of you who know me well know that I'd usually be asleep 3 hours ago. But tonight that's not happening, my body is tired but my mind can't seem to settle and my heart can't seem to rest. I'm trying to settle in with some David Crowder and writing this blog - but I'm not sure if this kind of thing ever helps.
I have a story to share with you before I get to the meat of this blog... or atleast to where I'm planning on leading. First, let me tell you that I'm sorry for the confusion ahead of time... a big part of this is personal and I'm not wanting very many people to know about this yet until things are final.. or completely planned.
Last week I spent my days at a Youth Camp; one I've been going to off and on for 4 years. While I was there the last 4 days I had the chance to meet a new friend who was a councelor there. I got to meet him, talk with him and get to know him within those last 4 days. Since I've come back home I've been convinced of one thing: if I had 1 reason to be there that week then it would've been to've met this friend.
The last night we talked was our last day there. We have one major thing in common and most of our conversations have been wrapped around that - and I have been completely blessed by that! But, the last night we were there I came to him in tears over this thing... the one thing I was thankful for at that moment was the fact that we were standing outside in the dark so he wasn't able to see my watery eyes. I told him that I'm full of doubt, fear and feeling enable for it (the thing we have in common), and that I've been struggling spiritually.
After I talked for a solid amount of minutes about where I've been and what I'm feeling he looked me in the eye and said: "we are always going to struggle, and our struggles are always going to be hard. Really hard." I nodded in agreement with him. And then he put the things that were in his hands down on the wet ground and looked straight foward and then sideways toward me and said: "Teresa, someone said this to me once. Teresa, are these things excuses now, or are they really big things? Are fear, doubt, or feeling enable excuses for where you are right now - for what God is doing in you right now? Or are they really big things right now? Teresa, you're fearful, doubtful, and feeling like you're enable for this - but maybe you're allowing them to become excuses. Someone said this to me before.. 'no more excuses.' Teresa, God wants the willing and I know you're willing (for the thing we have in common); but maybe you're now letting these things get in the way. Teresa, no more excuses."
Fear, doubt and feeling unable feels so real to me right now. These places that God has allowed me to come into make me feel completely insecure and unprepared... completely enable for where I am and where I'm leading right now. Things that I've been thinking upon and hopefully planning for nearly a year now - but things that I never thought would happen. I don't want excuses, but I think I may be full of them.
This morning I was having some time with Jesus and after praying to Him - the words "no more excuses" hit me hard. Literally. I sat there in the silence of my room and those words were suddenly brought to my attention again. No more excuses. I looked at the passages I just read and I realized that I've allowed excuses to become not only a part of the situation I'm in but also a part of my walk with Jesus. I've allowed my fear, guilt, sin, doubt, shame, and weariness become an excuse for being half-hearted, for questioning God. I've allowed the fact that I'm struggling with fear, guilt, sin, doubt, shame and weariness - make those very things seem okay.
Tonight those aren't the words that I need, but this morning I did. Tonight I'm looking for words like: "seek Jesus, He is there" but like I shared with my friend... I'm prone to believe lies. I'm now prone to allow the fact that I can believe lies be an excuse for me. I haven't been believing the truth about God in my life lately, and I've so terribly allowed that to make me think it's okay to make excuses for myself. Tonight I've allowed myself to think over in my mind the past 2 weeks and how I've felt distant from God while trying to desperately seek Him - become an excuse for myself.I am fearful, doubtful and feeling enable - but I desperately what to come before Jesus with those things and not allow myself to hide in fear because of them.
I'm tired friends, but I want to listen to my friend's advice and to seek Truth as well. I want to run to Jesus now even when I feel enable to. I want to trust His Truth even when I feel fearful, doubtful and enable... I want to trust He has me where He wants me even if I feel fearful, doubtful and enable in the midst of it...
I'm sorry for the wordi-ness but I had a point that I wanted to get across, but I'm not sure if I did. Writing this at 1 in the morning kind of hindered that...
I'm asking for prayer once again.
Friday, August 10, 2007
"No more excuses...."
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6 comments:
Hello my friend! Ah, my heart yearns to be there for you, and please know that i am here! Those three struggles doubt, fear and feeling enable are BIG they really are, but like your friend said, they don't have to be, it looks like you are starting to figure tha out and I praise God that He is making it evident to you, He is soo very gracious in bringing certain people into our lives and i am soo glad that your friend was able to help you through it, i know that it still is going to be tough but remember what your friend said and don't ever give up!!! I love you Teresa and most importanty God loves you!! press on my friend, continue to seek Him and finding the wonderful plan He has for you!! praying for you!
hey sis I love yas so much! You pretty much shared this with me already and Ive been praying for you ever since. Just remember that you can continue to share w/e is on your heart with me cause im always here and ill always love you. I know God has a HUGE plann for you I see that more and more every day of my life. I look up to you in soo many ways you inspire and encourage me to see after Christ more. Im soo lucky to have you in my life not only as a dear friend but a close sister. I hope only to grow closer to you as the yrs press on. You are never alone hun. continue to seek what HE has for you.
love yas,
~Britt~
Fear and doubt is not always something that comes from Satan. I think that there are plenty of times that we ignore what God has taught us and we begin to to grow doubt ourselves - maybe because of lies we've heard in the past. If you're ever in doubt don't just let them rest upon you. Go straight to the Word and find the answers to your troubles. Ask yourself what it is you are doubting, what's going on with you and seek out the answers in the reliable Word. Honestly we don't have the answers, as you know, and we start to think that we can come up with something good enough to get us by. But why settle with "good enough" when we can go straight to the BEST? Keep seeking answers - know you are NOT ALONE in your doubts and fears. Never buy the lie that you are the only one struggling.
Hey Teresa! I started to read your blog and then I read another, then another, and yet another...you have a wonderful talent and ability and I'm sure that God has a hand in this. Your blogs have challenged me in soo many ways! Keep pressing onward, my friend, becuase God is certainly faithful! You are my hero :) and I will be praying for you! Don't give up!
Hey, hey...I am finally readin things on blogger....
I can relate to much of what you have said here....keep your focus on Him!
ryan said your not alone...and he is right, you are not! It amazes me how many people feel the same way I do...doubtful, fearful, confused, alone...but what example did Jesus show...go to the Father in prayer! Not that Jesus fell into those emotions, so to speak, but He prayed to the Father to take His cup if He (the Father) willed...the flesh is weak...God is strong!
Love ya Teresa!
Dear Teresa-
You have a way of writing and expressing yourself that is very open. Thank you for sharing.
You had told me some of these things, about camp and such. I just want to encourage you, continue striving forward in your walk with Christ. Doubts and lies are things that I've struggled with as well. Continue pursuing the Truth, though, that doesn't change no matter what our minds might think.
I love you Teresa.
-Whit
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