A Quieted Dream

I've always been the type of person to have a lot of dreams - things that sometimes seem unreachable and hindered, yet my heart feels at home with it.

Yesterday I was with a friend of mine. I was sitting at the bar on a stool in her Kitchen and suddenly she sat beside me, looked me in the eye and asked: "Teresa, what are your goals? What are your dreams right now, what is it right now that you really want?" I looked at her in the eyes - kind of surprised by the question. I told her: "What are my goals? I don't know." I did know, I do know, but I hesitated. In the past few weeks a part of me has become so fearful of my dreams lately that I haven't been able to share them. But, I built up the courage to tell her that being a Christian musician, a writer, a missionary in India, a photographor, a mother and wife are the very things that I've dreamed of doing... of being. The things I want to further The Kingdom with.

These are the things that make me come alive... music, writing, the people of India, black and white photographs. Making my own music with my own hands and my own words, scribbling my thoughts on paper and allowing them to become more then just that, taking what I think is beautiful and capturing that moment and making it even more beautiful, allowing messy little ol' me to be used to spread the Word of God to the people of India.

Yesterday night a friend of my sister's said to me: "I've read your blogs. You're a really good writer!" I thanked her for the words, but I got fearful. I am fearful. The kind of fear that you face when you know things are hindered, things feel completely unreachable but they just don't seem to go away. This type of fear has been whispering in my ear for the past few months... when I grabbed the laptop and sat down to write this fear seemed to be louder... but it is slowing being drowned out by the humming of the fans and the voice of sweet ol' David Crowder. But the fear is still there, I can literally feel it.

Fear is still built within me - the type of fear caused because I've realized that sometimes God wants something to happen and He won't let me thwart it (things that I feel unsure of) no matter what I do.

It has even scared me to share this with you - to share what dreams have been hidding in my heart, some of the dreams that I've been so fearful to share. I've become fearful because these are desperately things that I want. I've become afraid to share what I want because I've become fearful of finding out it isn't what God wants for me or that I'm going to fail... or even that the hindrance in front of me will grow bigger. Music, writing, India, photography are those dreams.

Today these things have been heavy on me, re-thinking the words of my friend and the comments on my writing that I've been getting this week. I love the things that I dream for/of, I've just become fearful of them. My dreams have become quieted because of that.

I used to dream dreams easily - and up until this year I believed that nothing could hinder my dreams. I so easily believed that what I dreamed could simply become a reality. But somehow now; I guess the question that I truly want to ask is: which of these dreams are mine and what dreams are God's FOR me? (Eph. 2:10) If I allow hindrances to stand in my way then what dreams of God's for me will I walk away from... I think we are capable of walking away from what God wanted for us. I trust that God does have dreams for us... things He wants us to do to further His Kingdom, things that He has equipped us to do. I know I will get comments that disagree with me on that.

I am leaving again Sunday afternoon for a week. Once I am back home in a week more blogs will be coming... a "where-in-the-heck-have-I-been" blog and about a few things I've been learning, and life in general. And I'm sure after coming home I'll have more to write about the place that I'm going. :) If you've read my last blog and this one - I covet your prayers over these things.

Seek Jesus and be His...

Teresa