A wrestless afternoon...

I'm sitting on the couch of a few friends of mine, I'm at their home that is nearly 2 hours away from my own. I woke up this morning at nearly 7 o'clock to find myself being the first one awake. I long for that in the morning, the mornings are especially the time that I need to myself; if I don't get that then I feel as if my whole day is off track. I woke up this morning to having my time with Jesus, the cornfields right outside the window, and the shining morning sun. I loved it.

But now it's nearly 4 hours later and I'm feeling completely wrestless, completely unable to find peace and thrown out of my comfort zone. And I've felt desperate. The desperation I've felt has been more real then anything to me. It's felt as if it's been clinging to my very being and the very moment I'm given a glimpse of hope I'm then somehow reminded of the desperation that has found its place in me. I've been reminded of how incapable I am, how unfaithful and forgetful I am... and its been terribly hard.

This morning I read a verse in Pslam that I've been reading over and over for the past few weeks.

"Hear O LORD, and answer me. For I am poor and needy." (86:1)
I've been trying and praying that those words would somehow settle in my heart. That I'd be reminded in this season that God sees the fact that I'm poor and needy as a good thing. That He knows I'm desperate and the very season that I'm in. I desperately want to be reminded that in the times God feels distant that His Promise still stands firm "Never will I leave or forsake you."

Please do pray for me friends. I've been in place of desperation, feeling unfaithful and forgetful of Who Jesus truly is. I'm needy and poor and I trust that God will lead me to Him with that. I know that feeling desperate isn't going to go away so quickly as I had hoped - and I could possibly be led to harder and rougher places then I am now. It could get harder before it gets easier.

"For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, like a great lion to Judah. I will tear them to pieces and go away; I will carry them off, with no one to rescue them. Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek My Face; in their misery they will earnestly seek Me."

"Return, O Isreal, to the LORD your God. Your sins have been your downfall! Take words with you and return to the LORD. Say to Him: "Forgive all our sins and receive us graciously, that we may offer the fruit of our lips. Assyria cannot save us; we will not mount war-horses. We will never again say 'Our gods' to what our own hands have made, for in You the fatherless find compassion."

I will heal their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them. (Hosea 5:14-15, 14:1-4)