Losing sleep and other things (Part 1)

I've been up for over 2 hours now. The sun is slowly rising on the opposite side of the house, but I am finally able to look out my bedroom window and see the sun's glistening reflection on the houses across the street. Tis good friends. :)

I think I'm going to try to get back to blogging more often. I told myself sometime last week that I was going to start writing in my journal again - last year I wrote in my journal a few times a week, but this year it's even rare to find my pen-written journal entries once a month. I really don't know why either. I'm a writer at heart, I love words. I expected myself to finally write more in my journal and blog while I've been on Christmas break - but with only 3 more days of break, I still haven't written in my journal and have only posted two blogs.

To be honest with you, I really have no excuse (not that writing is demanded of me) or reason why I haven't written. Over the past few weeks I've had tons to write and share here and in my journal. I've had things that have drastically changed my life, things that I've been learning, times spent with dear people, an emotional "meltdown," and times spent with God that are worth sharing. I have no reason other than maybe I don't want to take the time to share it, or find the words to explain.

Some of the very things listed above are the things that have left me with very few hours of sleep in the past few weeks. It's more than just the expected insomnia on my part, this time. I'm normally one to be in bed by 10 or 10:30 everynight, with countless times of waking up during the "wee" hours. But Friday night by 9 o'clock my body was aching and I was terribly tired, but my mind wouldn't slow down and my heart wouldn't still. I stayed in my bedroom randomly switching through tv channels, checking things on my laptop, replying to emails, having a heavy heart and a busy mind. I finally laid down in bed after having some time with Jesus at 2am, and still didn't get to sleep until alittle before 3. For some reason the more tired I got the less easier it was to sleep. And why? Because my mind was busy, jumping from thing to thing, bringing to my attention the things that I need to tend to that I haven't. Like, the very things that have left me with no sleep.... the thing that has become a passion and burden.

Ahh.... pure joy. (Yes, I am kidding. *grin*)

I am one who normally misses out on sleep when things aren't going to well - or as I mentioned above, I have too many things to tend to at once. The last few weeks have been insane. Things have happened and I did not expect them to, (not necessarily bad) things that have left me losing hours of sleep in the past 2 weeks, times of weeping bitterly over it, times of pacing my room during late nights thinking heavy upon it, times with God that has left me doing all of the things above, and weekly nightmares during the past few weeks.

Now you are probably thinking: 'Well, Teresa tell us what thing has led you to lose sleep, have nights of late crying, pacing your room for hours, and weekly nightmares. Tell us!'

Well, the thing is, is that I'm not telling. *grin* I feel like a 10 year old school girl having a secret and saying to one of her 'friends' "well I'm not telling you, only I/we can know!" and walking off with one of those grins that leaves you wanting to know even more. Well, I'm not that 10 year old school girl. But, I think this is one of the very reasons I've lacked writing. Because there is one thing that I want to share when I write - but I'm hesitant. I've started a few blogs that have led me to sharing this very thing, but I've deleted them all. Why? To be honest, I don't know, I'm just hestitant in sharing this. Sharing this very thing that has led to weekly nightmares and nights of no sleep.

Maybe I am more like the 10 year old girl than I thought. ;)

I will share soon friends, I just ask for your prayers first of all. This very thing is a huge passion and burden of mine and has changed my life in certain ways over the past few weeks. I will share soon friends.

(if you did not read my last blog, "Humane," please do)
More later....
Teresa