Light in the dark spaces

The man who preached at church on Sunday, who was 'filling in' for our Pastor who was out of town said something along the lines of: "I think almost anything can derive from pride." When he said those words yesterday I didn't even take a moment to think upon them; they went in one ear and out the other. Infact, yesterday I didn't even realize he had said those words. But, for some reason this morning I was reminded of them and they have been heavy on my heart. I believe him, I think almost anything can derive from pride.

Two hours ago I was sitting in the quiet of my room and trying to spend some quiet time with Jesus, something I've been in desperate need of. I was reading through Haggai, which this year has turned into my favorite book in the Bible. If you've never read it or haven't read it in awhile then I suggest that you spend time in that book. It just so happens to be one of the shortest books in the Bible but also packed-full of things we need to hear and take to heart.

I've literally read this book nearly 20 times since the beginning of the year, and usually the same words speak to me and that's why I read it because I normally know what to expect. But, this morning God suprised me, first with the words of the elder who preached at our church and then with 'new' words from Haggai that lept off the page and into my heart.

'The glory of this present house will be greater then the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty. (2:9)

In all honesty, that verse didn't speak much to me until I read it again and then thought about one of the things I've been struggling with and tried connecting it with what was spoken yesterday at church. Pride. "Almost anything can derive from pride." The words in Haggai and those words that were spoken indirectly to me yesterday, I realized were meant for me to hear and to take to heart.

This morning when I was having some time with Jesus I thought this and then said it to Him outloud: "God, I really don't know where I am. I'm lost. I just ask that You don't leave me here, that I don't stay where I am. I'm so much further from You now." In saying those words it was quickly brought to my attention that I was doubting God and the fact that He CAN save me and that He won't leave me where I am. That He can and will change my heart, only because He desires to... not because I want Him to. Those words spoken to me at church and the words that lept off the page finally came together. I was doubting the words God said in Haggai "The glory of this present house will be greater then the glory of the former house." I was doubting that God can change my heart and His words "Never will I leave nor forsake you." Why? Because of pride. And why did my pride lead to doubt? Because almost anything can derive from pride; and in my case its especially been doubt and a wayward heart. The truth is is that God loves me way more then I've ever deserved, more then little ol' prideful, doubtful, wayward-hearted Teresa deserves or expects.

If you would've asked me half a year ago if I considered myself prideful I would've quickly said with the sweetest smile on my face: "No, I'm not prideful." But that answer has changed since sometime in March... I'm full of pride. I struggle with pride like nothing else. The only thing that I struggle with just as much as pride is doubt and a wayward-heart... which I also would've said I didn't struggle with if that would've been asked of me a few months ago.

This morning, in only the 2 1/2 hours I've been awake, God has been shining light on the things in my heart that definitely need to change. The things that I've been trying to hide from Him even though I know He knows its there.

Things are much easier said then done . I know that because I've been here many times before, and those of you who have been where I now am can nod your head yes and agree with me. It's much easier to continue falling down then trying desperately to get back up and make my way to the top of the hill knowing the Enemy is attacking at any given moment. It is much easier to pretend the things in my heart aren't there or that I'm truly not struggling then it is to fall on my knees with my face buried in the carpet at Jesus' feet. The things we don't want to do are easier then the things we should do (in some cases.) Even in the times that I desperately want to come before Jesus humbled sometime it's easier not to. It's easier just to give up and give in then it is to press foward and somehow find the strength and trust in God to keep on going even if it seems we're only going downhill.

Please do pray for me friends, that I would truly take these things to Jesus' feet. That I wouldn't pretend they aren't there or that I'm not struggling- because when I begin to do that then I'm going to be led into thinking they really aren't there and then not dealing with them at all.

Teresa