A Travelers Journey

MY BLOG HAS MOVED!

2008-09-22T07:33:00.001-04:00

Hey everyone,
I just wanted to quickly let ya'll know that I have a new blog website! Be sure to check that one out for updates; hopefully I'll be writing again soon!

http://teresayw.wordpress.com/

Teresa Wilson

Empty Handed & Offended

2008-07-23T10:31:00.000-04:00

I kept saying that I was going to write about the missions trip that I was on in Tennessee June 16th-21st. I finally am; & I'm kind of eager to... but I want to share one story in particular.

Our second day on the missions trip my Youth Group & the adults who came along split into 2 groups. Both groups went to a different homeless shelter. Sadly, at our shelter the people staying there were somewhere else at the time. I kept telling my Youth Pastor how I was dissapointed about that - I had gone expecting to be able to talk with atleast a few people, to just hear their stories & complete honesty. I'm the type of person who loves conversation & honesty, I long for it I think. But, also, I said I wanted to be able to talk with atleast a few people - I'm also a shy & quiet person... so wanting that seemed odd for me, but I guess I'm kind of getting a balance in that somehow. :)

After my group was done with half the day of doing a few things at the shelter we went to a near-by "park" [the type with benches [AND A BUILT IN WATERFALL/FOUNTAIN]. But, we ate lunch there & while a group of us were eating lunch nearly 15people started walking up to us asking for sandwhiches & drinks & so on. Later we found out that this was a park where homeless often stayed & the very spot we were sitting & eating was the very spot many people came to give food to the homeless... so we were front & center with people crowding around us thinking we were there to feed them... so we did just that. We fed them, they walked away with sandwhiches, drinks & chips in hand.

I made my way to the sandwhiches again, after already having one I decided to get a half of another one. Sadly, after only 3 or 4 bites into the sandwhich I decided that I actually didn't want it & threw it away. Now, some will that is very "American-like" honestly, I just think it's very human-like, I think it's often in our nature to be greedy & wasteful, to want more than we can chew & then spit it out anyway [not only with food]. We aren't satisfied or are atleast hard to satisfy... I don't think it's only Americans, I think it's humans in general - of course, we [Americans] display it more often.

Literally 10minutes after I had thrown away this 2nd sandwhich of mine an African American [I actually hate it when people use someones race to discribe them - I'm not sure why I do, but anway, I just did it.] man who looked like he was in his late 50's, walked over to us in his tattered & torn clothing. This man's face alone made me smile! He walked up to us being completely giddy like he knew what he was going to get - that sandwhich in his hand like everyone else. But he walked up to my Youth Pastor asking, "Can I have a sandwhich?" Phil looked at him & said, "I'm sorry but we just gave the last one away." The mans face went from giddy to dissapointment - I've never seen the feeling of dissapointment so real or so evident. This man who had come to us thinking he was going to get the expected was soon haunted with the thought that he wasn't going to get anything at all.

Phil placed a little bag of chips into this mans hand. I stood there watching all of this take place with a granola bar in my hand - this man looked at me as if I was going to give it to him - it hadn't even crossed my mind that I had food in my hand until the man was walking blocks away.

I'm weeping while sharing this...

I went back to my dorm at Bryan College, where we were staying. I locked myself in my room & wept bitterly with my head in my hands, & saying random words to God while praying. I sat there crying & praying for nearly an hour. I never once remembered throwing my sandwhich away until I got back to my dorm, as soon as I walked in it hit me - 'I threw away what could've been that man's meal.' I remember repeatedly saying to God, "God I feel as if his hunger is my burden." I honestly think there are very few times that I've ever been that broken before. Me... I go around speaking about modern-day slavery & the unGodly injustice of it all - I'm writing two books about it right now & contacting Congressman. The very reality of that [modern-day slavery] scars me - burdens me... but also a man, in tattered & torn clothing leaves me in a room alone weeping for over an hour. I don't think it was the fact that he didn't get food that left me so broken [that was part of it] but I think the fact that the man was literally the poor & needy Jesus speaks of was what broke me.

I think within that hour I realized that its really offended my heart. It really offended my heart in thinking how so many people live that way, & what Jesus commanded to be in my heart - to be that poor in my spirit, to be that needy & desperate for Him. Jesus commands me to love the poor & the needy, to love the outcaste, to show justice & mercy to slaves I'm burdened for & passionate about, to love the homeless & the looked-down-upon, to love the people He has given me a love for - the Dalits in India who are considered "Untouchable" or subhuman.

A year ago I hadn't even known about half of the people mentioned above - I hadn't known that slavery was still going on in Africa, Asia, the Middle East or America... or even Ohio, or that people were Dalits in the country I love - India. But, a year ago it really offended my heart somehow. I remember a night about a year ago I was having some time with God & I uttered the words through weeping bitterly & praying, "God give me a burden for the poor & the needy. God, use me in whatever way you want. I'm willing." I wrote those very words in my journal as well - I just wanted to be broken for who He is broken for & I wanted to be willing to be used in anyway He wanted me even if it wasn't completely directed toward those very people.

Funny thing is [or not so funny]... God is faithful. That's expected right? Not only is God faithful by leading us to trusting Him, or being our Comforter, or whatever it may be... but He's faithful in laying it out bare & giving us what we've asked of Him, if it's according to His will. After saying those very words, "God give me a burden for the poor & needy. God, use me in whatever way you want. I'm willing" it was brought to my attention about "Untouchables" in India & I started writing a young girl through Gospel For Asia who is a Christian & an Untouchable. Then modern-day slavery was brought to my attention this December & now I'm fighting to end the unGodly injustice... & then the poor & needy were literally standing in front of me asking for food.

Now please realize that I don't want to over-spiritualize anything in the previous paragraph, I think we so often do that, but I do think God gives us opportunites if we ask for them & without God I don't know if I believe some of these things would've happened.

I kind of feel like the man who asked us for food... empty handed. I come before God empty handed, absolutely left with nothing to give Him that is worthy of anything. He doesn't desire sacrifices, He doesn't want what I think "will make it better" He desires a broken & contrite heart.

The one who's being broken, healed, offended & used by God... & it's a good thing.
Teresa [read the previous entry as well!]

Child-like simplicity

2008-06-21T21:42:00.002-04:00

"Hey Mista!"

Those are two words that I heard all last week from a sweet 4 year old named miss Molly Meyer; minus the "miss" part. Last week I helped with Vacation Bible School at my church; the 4 year olds was the group that I was with. I don't know why but as a young kid I never liked Bible School. And I take that back, I do know why. As a kid I never wanted anything to do with God, nothing that even connected with Him, not until I was 13 1/2 anyway... that woul explain why I didn't like VBS.

BUT, this week had been free-ing for me, in more ways than one. I spent a total of 20hours with 24 4year olds this week. I know some people may find that overwhelming or exhausting and possibly rightly so; but I found and find it refreshing. There's something about that child-like simplicity that draws me in; it's something that leaves me light-hearted. And I'm smiling now just thinking about it.

My Youth Pastor had told those of us who were from the Youth Group helping with VBS to connect with the kids, even if it was just one child in our group that we connected with. He told us that child would remember that connection - and that was one of the things he wanted from this week, second to learning more about Jesus. Unintentionally during this week I connected with one of those 24 like no one else. We have 3 pastors at our Church and Pastor Shawn's daughter, Molly Meyer, had been in my group of the 4 year olds. I don't know what it is but if I were a 4 year old I'd be pretty darn jealous if this girl wasn't my best friend. She clung to me throughout the whole week; she literally would not let go of me. She'd either be in my arms being held, sitting on my lap, holding my hand, or holding onto my leg while we were both standing listening to what it was that we were suppossed to be doing next.

Miss Molly Meyer seemed to be quiet at first. I had briefly met her a few months before Vacation Bible School when I was at a friends house and her and her brothers were there as well. She seemed quiet and reserved, very soft spoken. I guess she can be quite deceiving. *grin* Because this week with every passing day it seemed that she became louder, sillier and even more expressive. She was the one who wouldn't let go of me but yet I'd soon see her behind me as I turned around and she'd be telling me to watch how high she could go as she jumped into the air. She sat on the picnic table with me when it was play time and talked about flowers and how her daddy (Pastor Shawn) kills the "yellow flowers" (dandelions) so she warned me never to bring them to her house. *grin* As we were sitting there talking about those "flowers" another 4 year old sat beside us and Molly looked at him and said, "we're talking about flowers, if you don't want to listen then you can leave." I don't know if she meant for it to be said in a harsh way but after she said it she smiled so I figured she wasn't trying to be mean... he left. *grin* I also felt completely blessed because I learned later this week that she must trust me an aweful lot; because she fell and skinned her knee and I was the person she wanted when she was hurt. I felt blessed.

One of my favorite things was the fact that she suddenly started saying "Hey Mista" (hey mister) out of no where. She'd hold my hand as we were walking and suddenly jump up and shout "Hey Mista! Teresa did you here heeya (hear) me that time?" As if I could say no?

(yes, I am rambling and bragging about a 4 year old girl.)

But, my favorite time during these past 5 days was when almost everyone had left the Church and very few of us were left there. The Meyer family was getting ready to leave and after talking with Kay (Molly's Mom, Shawn's wife) I bent down and asked Molly for a hug, it was the 4th one she had given me that day; although the other ones were by her choice. And then I said, "oh, but can I have just one more?" And she looked at me and shook her head with a sly smile on her face and said "nooo" and then quickly said "I'm just teasing!" and gave me a huge hug. She left my arms and began to walk away with her family and suddenly turned around and ran back to my arms and said "I want just one more!"

She made my week! :)

Sitting here now a part of me wonders what it was that made her cling to me like she did. I wonder what it is that drew her to me. One of the mornings of VBS she simply said to me, "I want to be just like you." I kind of giggled at that but within seconds her words really hit me - what on earth would truly make her want to be "just like me?" It made me smile nonstop but its made me wonder as well - can one single life really have that much affect on someone elses. (remember, I'm an overthinker.) I've always been the one to be on Molly's end, wanting to be like that person whose impacted my life; it feels odd being on the other end.

Maybe it is because I come from a big family and have 9 nieces and nephews that has led me to love this type of simplicity; maybe that has something to do with what has led me to love children the way I do. Or maybe I just long for the simplicity that they have and seem to hold onto so easily. I'm guessing it's all of these reasons. I love children, I love their nature and their simplicity, their excitement and wonder.

This all tends to make me smile... child-like simplicity. Molly. It all makes me smile.

I'll be sharing soon about the missions trip that I went on this week... seriously, look out for the blog entry "Empty Handed."

Teresa

Isolation & Desperation

2008-06-13T22:40:00.006-04:00

So, I've never thought my life as one to be blogworthy... but I still didn't think that'd lead to me not writing for over 2 months! I've had countless people come up to me during the weeks and ask, "have you just stopped writing or what?" and I've had people leave comments on here asking me what's happened. Seriously, I don't know whats happened, it's a sad fact though.

I'm not going to write a "where in the heck has Teresa been" blog. I'm not going to catch up with everything I've been doing, because honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin... not that my life is hectic and blogworthy or anything. *grin*

I will not lie though, these past few weeks have been insane for me. I haven't been busy, I haven't began traveling for my speaking events, I haven't been gone all day and only home to get some sleep. No, infact I've mostly sat in my room since May 22nd thinking about the thoughts that have swarmed my head and the heaviness that conviction can bring.

Truth be told, I've been struggling off and on with a sin since sometime in April, and since the end of May I've been hiding it (someone had known about it before then but thought that I had stopped struggling with it because I had led them on to believe so.) I think that is the very thing that has kept me from writing - when I write I can easily become an open book, and I didn't want to allow my thoughts to completely spill out into these words here; so I stopped writing all together. The conviction became so unbearable that I stopped writing in my personal journal because I didn't want to take the time to have to think about the sin long enough to write about what was going on. The conviction became so unbearably heavy that my past two weeks were filled with nights of not getting to bed until 7am and sleeping for the next 3hours because my nights were heavy, my heart was heavy. I got to the point where I completely felt unworthy to come before God in any way... so what did I do? I stopped spending time with God, I claimed to be sick so that I wouldn't be driving to Church with the family on that Sunday morning.

After I began to get used to not having time with God during those 2 weeks I suddenly became desperate for it. God isn't Someone you can easily run from... especially if you're like me and you know that you actually want to be with Him but are just being stubborn and selfish... and sinful.

My isolation created desperation.

Isolating myself from God, from the Church, from loved ones around me were the very things I thought would make my conviction a lighter load - I hated the feeling of conviction, I don't think we were created to like it though. But, those very things I did in hope to give myself a lighter load were the very things that led me to a place of desperation. It led me to a place of complete brokenness, complete weariness. It led me to a place where I could truthfully say "I am poor and needy." (Psalm 86)

Last night and today those past few weeks have left me feeling that I have wasted time. That's a burden like no other. In my (almost) 3 years of following Christ I have never gone so long without spending time with God; those few weeks felt like a life time. But that burden is real; the burden of feeling as if I had wasted time. The burden that leaves you questioning "what could I have been doing if I wasn't in this sin?" Truth is I won't know, and I probably wouldn't want to know if I could.

The past few nights (when I'm most likely dealing with the heaviness of it all) kind of felt like the someone following Jesus who is right behind Him, trying to be steady in every step and then suddenly taking a fall, a trap placed right in front of me and instead of looking down and seeing the trap there, I fall right into it. Not only do I fall into it but I get up and out of the trap running to make my way closer to Jesus who is still leading me and then suddenly I look back and see that trap there again and run from Jesus to make my way back to that trap. And even when running toward the trap I keep looking back towards Jesus who has stopped, Who hasn't continued to walk without me, but is waiting for me; walking toward me even though I'm too darn stubborn to get out of that trap.

The heavy-heartedness was real. Conviction was real. Regret was real. The pain was real. The sorrow was real. The disappointment was real. The wretched feeling was real. The feeling of unworthiness was real.

The light-heartedness of Jesus is real. The forgivness from Him is real. The joy He can give is real. The comfort in sorrow He can give is real. The worth He creates in us is real.

I am unworthy of the forgiveness He willingly gives me; but I want to be one who willingly accepts it. One who runs towards Him in complete desperation instead of allowing my feeling of unworthiness to win this. I'm running towards Him in complete desperation.

A Man's Thoughts...

2008-04-08T18:45:00.004-04:00

Today I saw and talked with a man that I greatly respect; Nazih. I've known him since I was born and have loved my times of talking with him ever since. He's in his early 60's and his opinions on things have always left me wondering about my own. This 60 year old man who I greatly respect is from Jordan. If I remember right, 3 years ago he told me that he came to America to study to be a doctor when he was in his 20's or 30's. By the way... Nazih is my doctor.
He walked in the room that my Mom and I were in. As soon as he walked in after we had said "hi" to eachother and realized it had been over 3years since we've seen eachother and he had checked me and went over all of my syptoms ... I quickly asked him something that I was trying to figure out while in the waiting room a few moments earlier. I asked "Where is Jordan? Isn't it in the Middle East?" He looked up from his medical papers and looked at me like he expected that kind of question from me, and said, "Yes Teresa. It's in the Middle East. Jordan is near Israel, and Israel is close to the Gaza Strip and the West Bank. But yes... Jordan isn't too far from Israel though." Nazih said a few other things that his extremely heavy accent left me unable to understand even after asking him to repeat it a few times. He looked at me awhile and I smiled and said okay; he had answered my question. He went back to the table full of tissue boxes, tongue depressers (don't you hate those sticks that they put in your mouth!? - thankfully I didn't have to this time!) and his medical papers that he had been looking at.

After he had been reading over his papers I suddenly said "I want to go to Israel, India and Africa on mission trips." Now, first of all, if you know me at all you know that I have a love for India; I have for the past year and a half. Africa has never really been a place I've been interested in until this year; and Israel has only been an interest of mine during the past few months, those interests made me want to go there on a mission trip as well. After I said those words Nazih put his pen down and said "Don't go to Israel! They are thieves and liars! All they do is steal and they don't deserve what they have! The Israelites should have never been on the earth!" I literally just sat there taken aback! When he looked at me I probably looked a bit shocked and scared at the same time. He looked at me blankly for a few moments and then over at my Mom and back to his medical sheets.

For moments I just sat there in the silence trying to allow everything he just said to somehow be clearer in my mind... yeah, that didn't work. "What makes you think that?" is what I asked him. In the back of my mind I kept thinking "But the Israeli's are God's chosen people, right? And he's talking like he means all of the Israelites." (I'm sure he did not mean ALL of the Israelites by the way.) He put down his pen and walked towards me. I was a bit intimidated, I couldn't tell if he was angry or just giving me his opinion on this... but either way, I wanted his answers. I figured he wasn't angry since I allowed my questions and feelings to be bias. He said to me, "Teresa, the Israeli's are thieves, they've stolen land and homes from the Palestinians. The Palestinians are left being refugees and poorer than what they once were. They are thieves and liars, horrible people. I cannot stand the Israeli's."

The one thought swirmming through my mind was that he really didn't like the Israelites. (you're thinking, "duh!") But seriously, to me it seemed more than just anger after hearing about these things on the News or reading them in a book - I questioned if he personally had experienced things with the Israelites when he lived in Jordan.

I looked at him and said confusingly to him... "Isn't Israel and Palestine... hmm, well the Gaza Strip?" And he said, "The Israeli's and the Palestinians have been fighting over the Gaza Strip and the West Bank." Somehow he went from there and said that between Israel and Jordan was the Jordan River. Bagdad was brought into the picture... some of you are shaking in your boots right now, eh? *grin* Not only was our conversation filled with the war of Israel and Palestine but the Middle East in general. I know some people don't like those topics ... but, apparently, I guess I do. I don't think it's the Middle East that exactly interests me, but people.

Honestly, for the past year I've always been a bit aware of the issues with Israel and Palestine; I do not know how - I was never directly taught about it. I've considered myself a fairly aware person overall. But obviously I knew less than I thought when I had to wonder what continent Jordan, Israel and Palestine were on. The fact that I kept the thought "But the Israelites are God's chosen people" should give you a glimpse into my ignorance; I was allowing that fact to determain what I thought about the whole thing. I don't think I need to take sides - but I think I need to allow other things to determain what I think of this - especially after this conversation. Most of the time while sitting in his office I kept the thought "Well the Isrealites are God's chosen people; they are right. They should have the land. They are God's people, they can't be wrong." Why did I think that? Probably because I was acting as a simple minded person who thought that because God's name is mentioned then they are right (not saying they are right or wrong - I actually don't think either of them are fully right or fully wrong.) The sad fact is, is that some people would agree with me on that about themselves. Rarely do people take both sides into consideration. Yes, the Israeli's are God's chosen people; I won't argue with that. The Bible is God-breathed and it's Truth, and that very thing is written in the Old Testament about the Israelites. Don't think that I'm doubting that.

Before I left Nazih looked at me and he said, "Teresa, if you want to go to Israel, go to to Israel. But be careful, please, be careful! Learn as much as you can about the Middle East before ever deciding to go there; read a lot, learn a lot. Teresa, if you go there unknowing about things the Israeli's will want your head. Seriously Teresa, I plead with you; be careful when going to Israel. Just be careful Teresa, please be careful."

After we walked out of the room and into the main area, he was filling out my prescription and I walked up to him and said "I hope you don't think I was being rude; I only wanted your opinions." And he said, "No, you weren't being rude at all, not all Teresa. I hope you didn't think I was being rude either, I wasn't trying to be, I was only giving you my opinions."

To be honest with you, I think my heart goes out to the Palestinians. I mean, I'm not taking sides though. I don't know all of the history; but from what I do know most of their land has been taken from them and whatnot - they only have 8% left. I will not argue that the Israeli's are God's chosen people; but that does not mean that all of the Israli's actions will be Godly; that isn't a promised thing, we're all sinners. A part of me wonders if some (not all) of the Israeli's think they deserve the Gaza Strip and the West Bank because that label is attached to them in the Old Testament... "Israelites: God's chosen people??" I'm not saying that all of them do, I'm just wondering. I wonder if the Israelites (those who have an influence on the war), those who love God, if they truly would listen to the words "Give without expecting in return" or if they would allow the fact that they are God's chosen people in the Old Testement to humble them (yes, I think pride is an issue here - I could be wrong), just how differently the issues could be solved. And if the Palestinians (those who have an influence on the war), those who love God, focused on the fact that they are called to love their neighbor and love their enimies; just how different this would be now. Both of these people (the ones joined in on the war - not all people) seem to be focusing on the fact that "I'm an Isralite" or "I'm a Palestinian; I'm not saying that it's a bad thing for them to love their countries; but what I'm saying is that the longer some of them focus on their differences and not the fact that something needs to be solved, the messier things are going to get. Just some thoughts...

Okay. So, that was longer than I expected. Please do leave your thoughts. I'm not asking you to resist or side with me - because honestly, I'm not bias over this - I don't know enough and I don't have to take a side; I just want your opinions.

"What keeps us apart from one another? Some would say an ocean. Others would say cultural differences. What must we change about ourselves to break down the wall that seperates us? I think it begins by abandoning the pointed finger of blame. It begins by coming with humble spirits and a sincere desire to know one another. Otherwise it becomes an us/them mentality and the wall simply becomes thicker." -Jena Lee

Teresa

Simply Good

2008-03-31T17:48:00.001-04:00

:)

Today is simply GOOD. I'm sitting in my room looking out the window. The shining sun is creating shadows of twigs from bushes dancing across my drawn curtains. The grass outside is actually beginning to turn green; the brown "grass" is finally being covered. Signs of Spring my friends! And Bethany Dillon is singing in my ears 'You change me/ You change me/ Thank You Jesus, I can see You change me.' I'm trying to let the beauty of all of this sink in... there's no explanation for this peace in me other than Jesus. These past few weeks have been crazy; they have WRECKED me.

I've wanted to write for the past few weeks but one thing has kept me from it. Truth be told: I was struggling with a private sin for about 2 1/2 weeks. One that only a friend of mine and my sister knew about. I have yet to gain the courage to tell anyone what the sin is; but I talked to one friend about it often. On Easter, at Church, I told her that I had never felt the battle between Spirit and flesh so real!

Those 2 1/2 weeks left me dealing with more doubt, guilt, shame, anger and selfishness than I probably have at any other time. I felt so much weight and pressure to just pull it together; and I asked myself often if my desire was truly God or my flesh. Asking myself that made me completely uncomfortable... why? Because I thought I had become okay with my sin. I was knowingly sinning against God and asking myself if my desire was God or my flesh. I told my friend that this sin of mine was a sin that was from my past; and that did more than just scare me. I told her that I felt that since this sin was from my past that I was heading back into that direction... she didn't agree, and I'm glad. *grin* She told me that since that sin was from my past than Satan had an easier attack on me; since I've already commited that sin my flesh found it easier to commit again. Her words changed my mind.

Honestly though; I had never felt so stuck. I felt like this sin was something that I wasn't going to get away from. I kept giving in... falling, giving in... falling, almost giving up... falling. I kept fighting it with my own strength, and I'm not that strong. It's real friends, the battle between Spirit and flesh is real!

And why is today simply good? I know the above doesn't sound all that great. *grin* But, today is simply good because today I told my sweet friend Caroline that I feel alittle free-er, that I feel relieved and like a weight has been lifted. Last night I spent time before God just weeping... if you walked in I'd probably look a bit pathetic to you... just laying on my bed like I was at the feet of Jesus, just weeping and praying... and weeping some more.

Truth be told: He isn't just angry, He isn't pushing me away, He doesn't want me to fight alone, He doesn't want me to give in and give up, His love hasn't grown cold. He's merciful, I'm the one who pushes Him away and yet He still calls me to Him, He wants to fight for me with His strength, He wants me to realize the truth of His character and not the lies I've tended to believe. He wants to pick me up and dust me off and allow me to be the one who falls at His feet with the perfume, tears and hair... and tell me that I've been forgiven. It makes me weep, because it's TRUE. It's SAVING me and it's CHANGING me. He is changing me! It sounds foolish and rediculous, this sinless, pure God has always wanted to SAVE me from my sin and change me! It sounds foolish, it doesn't make sense, but it changes me.

Thank you Jesus! It's been a hard, battle-filled, depressing... yet, interesting, heart-softening, mind-changing few weeks with Him in this.

A few days ago a new (and sweet) friend of mine told me that she used to struggle with the sin of doubt a lot. She said that only one person knows about it; but that she struggled with it for 12 years, (I gasped when she said that!) She said that for 12 years she doubted if she was truly God's if her salvation was real... I'd think that doubt was also accompanied by fear. During this past 2 weeks friends, doubt and fear were things that had become unwanted friends of mine. They are both things that I've struggled with off and on; but I literally had a huge fear that my current sin was changing who I was in Christ - I feared that I was no longer His. ...One sin leads to another, eh?

But friends, it's good. Today is simply GOOD.

I hope that all makes sense... I felt scattered, unsure of what words were next. It's good! I'm out if this battle that I've been fighting for 2 1/2 weeks because I trusted HIM and I fell to His feet.

Thank You Jesus!

Something foriegn

2008-03-13T21:36:00.004-04:00

I haven't written in a month. How I did it, I don't know. Why I did it, simply because I didn't want to write about the struggles and valleys that I faced during the past month. I don't think I've ever grown or struggled so much in such a short amount of time.

To sum up the past 4 or so weeks... I struggled with feeling more distance from God than I ever have, I struggled with more loneliness than I had ever felt. Someone I knew commited suicide, I found out family members of mine were getting abused. I questioned if I was fit for being an abolitionist or if God would really want to use me, I asked God if He was ignoring me or angry with me. I felt too much pressure about school and my grades - so I started allowing certain grades to slip. And then I fell into a sin that I was knowingly commiting against God... it was quite a 4 weeks!

... It had honestly felt as if the sun was hidden beneathe a dark cloud for months at a time, and that my own voice was silent and I forgot that many surrounding me had willing, listening ears.

Tuesday evening I was in the car making my way to a dear friend of mine. Now, Ohio is known for its massive spread of fields and glorious sunsets and sunrises. But, there was something extremely precious about that sunset I had seen when on the road. I felt that God was really grabbing my attention. The wintery fields were beaming with gold and reflecting the sun off of the white snow. And the sky was filled with the brightest orange and yet hints of red, pink, and purple. I was completely overwhelmed, and tears streamed down my face.

The sun was setting, but in my life the sun has been rising... and it's glorious. =)

Thank you Jesus!

I was with a new and sweet friend of mine yesterday evening. While we were in the car, making our way to Church, we were both talking about where we've been. She's been struggling with many things physically, which many think it's from a fall she had a few months ago that led to a minor concussion. I can only guess that that physical struggle leads to emotional and spiritual struggles as well. She sat beside me driving and told me that she was really doing well; she was doing well and was exciting about it. I think her and I were both quite stoked to know that!! *grin* And I shared with her a glimpse of where I've been for the past several months and told her that the new season I'm in after all of these struggles is giving me a glimpse of peace, and that it honestly feels foriegn. The feeling of peace feels more than alittle foriegn to me. I told her that I've been following Christ for almost 3years and yet the past 2 years have been full of struggle and complete peace had been something hard to truly feel, and she said that when we follow Christ is when our true struggle really begins... that made me feel a little less like a loner in that thought! *grin*

Feeling distant from God is leading to trusting that He is near, the well-known struggle of loneliness is turning into a glimpse and reminder that I am truly loved. The struggle of dealing with the suicide is still hard and even harder watching those who were affected in a greater way than I was, my heart is still broken for my family members who were getting abused. I trust that God has me where He wants me with abolition even if I sometimes doubt that He'd want to use me, I know that God never walks away from those who are His own and that His anger lasts only for a moment. I know that with school if I do my best that is all that is really asked of me, and I know that I serve a God who hears my broken and contrite heart when I'm struggling with the guilt of sin.

Its felt as if the sun has been hidden beneathe a dark cloud for months at a time. And the sun was setting Tuesday night. But the sun is rising at the moment that I've least expected it. I'm given a glimpse of something so foriegn as peace.... and I can see the Son.

Thank you to those of you who have prayed.

One wish: To be like Jeremiah

2008-02-02T08:53:00.001-05:00

*First of all, if you haven't read my lastest posts "Losing Sleep and Other things Part I and II" please do that... and then come back to this one. *grin*

I woke up this morning at 7:30 after re-setting the alarm 2 or 3 times after it first went off at 6:45. Last night when I set my alarm for 6:45 right before going to sleep around 11, I thought I'd be eager to get out of bed about a half-hour earlier then I normally do on Saturdays. But, this morning I was anything but eager, (which isn't normal - I love early mornings and having hours of quiet and time to myself before others are up) my body just longed to be in bed. I must admit though, it felt good under the warm covers. :)

I just had some much needed time with Jesus this morning. I spend time reading the Word and praying every morning, and time in prayer every night. But, it's beginning to amaze me that I never feel completely fulfilled; not that God doesn't fulfill me. But, with every morning waking up, I realize that spending time with Him only creates more desire to spend time with Him; it only leaves me desperate for it again. I've never come to that point where it's like "Okay, now I feel completely fulfilled, I've learned everything that I have to learn, I've come to the point where I can stop." Friends, I don't think we are ever going to come to that point. *grin*

One thing that has been circling in my mind during the past... good month, has been the reminder of how unfaithful I am. Just before getting my laptop to start writing, I started thinking about that. And I thought, or maybe I said it outloud (I tend to be one who does that often) "If I had one wish, I'd wish to be like Jeremiah." Now, I don't know that if someone told me I had one wish, if that'd be the first thing to come to my mind. But why would I possibly wish to be like Jeremiah? Not because he struggled, not because he's written about in the Bible, not because he was a prophet.... but, simply because he was faithful.

It's really not easy to be truly faithful, is it?... I know some of you are like "Well duh Teresa, of course it's not." I know, that's obvious. But, seriously, it's hard to be truly faithful, to be truly obedient. That seems to be a lesson that I just can't seem to learn; I seem to keep having a reminder of how unfaithful I am, of just how hard it really is to be truly faithful. Or maybe it's a lesson that I'm too stubborn to learn.

I feel like I'm stuck in such a spot.

Back to faithful Jeremiah...

Pastor Mike has been teaching on Jeremiah's life for 13weeks now, off and on. I was reminded this morning just how much I love this mans life - or maybe I just now realized it. Either way, he knew what it meant to be faithful. He's called by God to be a prophet, to show nations there sin and draw them near to God, and to tell them that if they don't - they will be punished. Because he does these very things he's looked at as a fool, he's pitied, looked down upon. He struggles physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually; and he's had death threat upon death threat thrown against him. He's a courageous, yet humble man. He runs even while in the valleys, and even when facing hardship and a curve in the road, he doesn't give in or give up, he remains faithful.

I've longed to be like Jeremiah. The past 2 1/2 months have been terribly hard. Things have been placed in front of me that I've never expected. I want to lay it all before God, and realize that my part is only to be faithful... even when I want to give in and give up.

"Be strong, all you people of the land,' declares the LORD, 'and work. For I am with you,' declares the LORD Almighty. 'This is what I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt. And My Spirit remains amoung you. Do not fear.' -Haggai 2: 4-5

Losing sleep and other things (Part 2)

2008-01-13T14:53:00.000-05:00

If you did not read Part 1 to thinks post... be sure to do so, and then come back and read this. :)

Its taken me longer to write part 2 of the last post than I thought it would have. My weeks had become filled with many things. Every day was scheduled for me last week and this weekend was finally a time I had to settle down. And to be honest with you, I didn't feel like pulling out the laptop and typing this instead of spending some time with close ones, more time with God, and finally getting a decent amount of sleep after 4 1/2 weeks of getting 3-4hrs of sleep each night. Those things seemed more appealing to me. :)

One of the othe reasons I can think of, is because I realize that once I type these words I can't take them back. That once I tell you what the nightmares have been caused by or what this huge passion and burden is; I can't pretend I didn't tell everyone who decides to read this blog. And I'm a bit in stuck in wondering how to go about it... so bear with me.

I'm not sure if many of you have heard of the man, William Wilberforce. 200 years ago he lived in Great Britian and abolished the Trans-Atlantic slave trade in all of the British empire. There is now a movie about this once young man, called "Amazing Grace." It's my favorite movie, if you have not watched it, do!

I heard about this movie a few months ago, somehow I came across it. When I heard about this movie and about William Wilberforce, I also heard about a very young man (he's my age, 16) Zach Hunter. Zach Hunter is a modern-day abolitionist. After a few months of looking into what he does, I became one as well.

Truth is, I'm an abolitionist. Those aren't the words that are hard for me to share... they actually come quit easily to me. The words that are hard for me to share are the ones that are used when describing what abolition and modern-day slavery has changed in my life, what nightmares I have had, what I've struggled with because of this, and what a few people have said to me.

There are atleast 27million slaves in the world, 800,000 of them being in America. Something that was abolished 200 years ago is still being practiced. Men, women and children in other countries are tricked into thinking they can get a job in their countries or America - when really they are being sold into slavery. These same people are working on agricultral plantations, brick kilns, rice mill factories, and young women and girls are being sold into brothels to be tortured and abused daily for the pleasure and amusement of many men.

I sat with all of these thoughts in my mind for weeks... weeks of keeping silent and not sharing any of these things with people. Keeping all of my feelings on this to myself; it hit me in a very personal way. But during my Christmas break I was hit with modern-day slavery in ways that I did not expect. I woke up a few days before Christmas to find myself in a cold sweat, a shaking body, with tears running down my face, and gasping for air. I woke up from a nightmare of seeing faces of those in modern-day slavery. I was so fearful that morning that I couldn't open my bedroom curtain fearing that I'd see the faces that were in my nightmare outside of my window. I kept silent until sometime between Christmas and New Years, then I finally shared this with a few dear people and family members at home.

Only days after sharing this with people I had struggled immensly with this. With these weekly nightmares, nights of no sleep, nights of pacing my room for hours, nights of telling God I didn't understand, weeks of thinking this great passion and unsettling burden was unbearable. But, after weeks of having these things in my company I felt as if Iwasn't doing anything. As if these nightmares, questions, passions, burdens, and nights of no sleep were not enough. I knew clearly that I could not simply change these things, these things that I now struggle with - but that I needed desperately to do something.

So, after a week of thinking and wondering what to do... I mentioned to a fairly new friend of mine, who I've talked to about this often, if I could speak everytime before her band plays at their gigs. Honestly... when she told me yes I told her that I had wished she said no. Because I'm fearful. This passion and burden are greater and more unbearable that I ever thought they would be. A few months ago I didn't even know about the unGodly injustice of modern-day slavery and now its become a huge part of my life. But, even with this fear I am still going to be speaking. I'm stepping out of my comfortzone, because it's not about my comfort, it never has been. Sometimes, I think to honor God, we have to do things that stretch us; things that we could never dream of doing without Him.

If you are a pray-er, I ask that you pray for me. These weekly nightmares, nights of no sleep, spending time with God and weeping bitterly because of this, they haven't ended... and honestly, I'm not sure they will. And I ask that you pray that I'd trust God with this, and also would know that fear should not over take such a passion and burden like this. I truly trust this passion and burden was God-given, I never would have sought out something like this. I'm desperate for prayer friends...

"No matter how loud you shout, you will not drown out the voice of the people!"
"We're too young to realize that certain things are impossible, so we will do them anyway."
"It seems to me, that if there is a bad taste it your mouth you spit it out; you don't constantly swallow it back." -Amazing Grace, movie

Teresa

Losing sleep and other things (Part 1)

2007-12-31T09:31:00.000-05:00

I've been up for over 2 hours now. The sun is slowly rising on the opposite side of the house, but I am finally able to look out my bedroom window and see the sun's glistening reflection on the houses across the street. Tis good friends. :)

I think I'm going to try to get back to blogging more often. I told myself sometime last week that I was going to start writing in my journal again - last year I wrote in my journal a few times a week, but this year it's even rare to find my pen-written journal entries once a month. I really don't know why either. I'm a writer at heart, I love words. I expected myself to finally write more in my journal and blog while I've been on Christmas break - but with only 3 more days of break, I still haven't written in my journal and have only posted two blogs.

To be honest with you, I really have no excuse (not that writing is demanded of me) or reason why I haven't written. Over the past few weeks I've had tons to write and share here and in my journal. I've had things that have drastically changed my life, things that I've been learning, times spent with dear people, an emotional "meltdown," and times spent with God that are worth sharing. I have no reason other than maybe I don't want to take the time to share it, or find the words to explain.

Some of the very things listed above are the things that have left me with very few hours of sleep in the past few weeks. It's more than just the expected insomnia on my part, this time. I'm normally one to be in bed by 10 or 10:30 everynight, with countless times of waking up during the "wee" hours. But Friday night by 9 o'clock my body was aching and I was terribly tired, but my mind wouldn't slow down and my heart wouldn't still. I stayed in my bedroom randomly switching through tv channels, checking things on my laptop, replying to emails, having a heavy heart and a busy mind. I finally laid down in bed after having some time with Jesus at 2am, and still didn't get to sleep until alittle before 3. For some reason the more tired I got the less easier it was to sleep. And why? Because my mind was busy, jumping from thing to thing, bringing to my attention the things that I need to tend to that I haven't. Like, the very things that have left me with no sleep.... the thing that has become a passion and burden.

Ahh.... pure joy. (Yes, I am kidding. *grin*)

I am one who normally misses out on sleep when things aren't going to well - or as I mentioned above, I have too many things to tend to at once. The last few weeks have been insane. Things have happened and I did not expect them to, (not necessarily bad) things that have left me losing hours of sleep in the past 2 weeks, times of weeping bitterly over it, times of pacing my room during late nights thinking heavy upon it, times with God that has left me doing all of the things above, and weekly nightmares during the past few weeks.

Now you are probably thinking: 'Well, Teresa tell us what thing has led you to lose sleep, have nights of late crying, pacing your room for hours, and weekly nightmares. Tell us!'

Well, the thing is, is that I'm not telling. *grin* I feel like a 10 year old school girl having a secret and saying to one of her 'friends' "well I'm not telling you, only I/we can know!" and walking off with one of those grins that leaves you wanting to know even more. Well, I'm not that 10 year old school girl. But, I think this is one of the very reasons I've lacked writing. Because there is one thing that I want to share when I write - but I'm hesitant. I've started a few blogs that have led me to sharing this very thing, but I've deleted them all. Why? To be honest, I don't know, I'm just hestitant in sharing this. Sharing this very thing that has led to weekly nightmares and nights of no sleep.

Maybe I am more like the 10 year old girl than I thought. ;)

I will share soon friends, I just ask for your prayers first of all. This very thing is a huge passion and burden of mine and has changed my life in certain ways over the past few weeks. I will share soon friends.

(if you did not read my last blog, "Humane," please do)
More later....
Teresa

"Humane."

2007-12-26T08:36:00.000-05:00

Good morning friends....

I've been awake for over an hour now. It's nearly 8:30 in the morning, and I can see through the glimpses of the open curtain that the morning sun is finally beginning to fully rise. The tv is mindlessly running, I think it's the weather channel; we're expecting snow sometime on Sunday. We're getting snow a week after Christmas, a week before, but not the day of; it never makes sense. *grin*

I've had something on my mind for the past few days that I've wanted to write about; so I'm going to share it here with you even though I'm not exactly sure how to start.... so bear with me and forgive me if I don't do so well. :)

Sometime last week I looked up the word "humane" a few days after hearing it spoken in one of my classes. In case you did not know; one of the definitions of humane is: "kind and good." When I read that I have to chuckle and question it. If that's the true definition of humanity, then I'm wondering what we truly are... truth is, people have a wrong view of humanity. Our intentions may be kind and good, but we ourselves, are not.

In my History class my teacher somehow jumped from the topic of a certain war to the issue of terrorism and terrorists. Now, I'm not one to leave the room when terrorists are mentioned (I know people who hate talking about it) but I am one to get defensive when judgements are thrown upon people. He said something along the line of: "Terrorists are not humane. When you think of a terrorist what do you see? A Middle-Eastern man, wearing a thing on his head (I was going to speak up and say the name for it but didn't) and he's probably an extremist in his religion."

The only thing that stood out in my mind from what he said (besides the fact that he said 'thing on his head') was the fact that he had 'groups' of people to which a terrorist would belong...

1) A man
2) Middle-Eastern
3) Of a certain religon

Now... I am not a man, nor am I a Middle Eastern beliver in this religion that he was refering to... but my face turned red, my blood boiled, and my eyes glared. Why? Not because I haven't recognized that most people of terrorism have come from this very background but because now that we realize that these are the backgrounds of people that we fear - sometimes we tend to fear them even when all these things aren't combined.

We (as Americans, not you or I personally) tend to resist, be hesitant toward, or have fear of people of the Middle East. We see someone or know someone who is a Muslim and wonder if they're an extremist. I've seen this evident... and I hate it.

I do have one question though. The word "terrorism" or "terrorist" is it only seen as one who allows suicide bombings, or flying into American buildings? If so, then yes, my teacher was right - the 3 characteristics that he mentioned were ones that are often defined terrorists, and are the only terrorists. But when I looked up the word I found the definition: "Terrorism is a term used to describe violence or other harmful acts committed (or threatened) against civilians by groups or persons." So, if terrorism is someone creating any terror in anyone then isn't terrorism also planning school shootings, killing innocent people, persecuting Christians, allowing slavery 200 years ago and now modern-day slavery....

I don't think terrorism is reserved or expected only from (as my teacher said) a Middle-Eastern man of the Muslim religon. I think we are (as Americans, not you or I personally) blind to see that terror is laid upon other people because of others actions. If terror is the mere object of terrorism, then we have terrorist in America, not only overseas.

These very judgements, of the ones that my teacher said, are like people pointing toward African Americans and coming to a conclusion that all African Americans will sometime end up doing drugs, on the street or in prison. It's like people of a different background besides something that leads to white skin saying that all people who are white are judgemental and have hatred toward anyone else different than them; or that all Christians are too narrow-minded. It seems to me that we (all people) have allowed oursevles to expect certain things from certain people.

Okay, I'm not here to preach, and in fact that's not even why I'm writing. I had no intention on going on a word spree like this. So I'll stop, but please do think about what I shared as you leave this. I think I'm just tired of judgements laid upon other people - so I guess deep down I knew a "word spree" was expected. *grin* All of this because of simple words said in a class.

More later,
Teresa

Mending things...

2007-12-14T18:17:00.000-05:00

Ahh... its been over a week since I've written. I kept looking at the date of my last blog during this week and wondered why I haven't written. I've had things to share, but for some reason I just haven't shared them.

I'm a writer, I love the power of words, I'm drawn to them. Infact, I think I love the power of written words more then when they are actually spoken. Anyway, this is to say, even though I love the written word, sometimes I get stuck. Sometimes I find myself erasing every word I write on here because the words seem to fail to describe what I intended to share. I get stuck sometimes. I think that's where I've been this week and that's what had led to the lack of writing.

A few weeks ago I spent time with Caroline, a very dear friend of mine. She is amazing; and probably one of the people in my life who knows me best. When I spend time with her I do it having a kind of expectancy... (let me explain)

She's a 26 year old woman (I've always been one to get along better with people older than me rather then someone my age) with a husband (who is my Youth Pastor) and a one year old daughter, and yet child-likeness is so evident in her being. She randomly dances in the Kitchen, no matter what she's doing - cooking, talking, singing, thinking, doing dishes, sorting papers. She makes some of the best silly faces I have ever seen; I can't help but laugh. Playing, hiking, and exploring in the woods comes joyously to her; infact, we went hiking a few weeks ago and she insisted that she be the leader of the crew. She finds joy in simple things.

The evening I was with her we talked on my ride home from her house. I had felt so stuck and had been dealing with quite a struggle. She let me pour out every thought and feeling, and allowed all of my words to be filled with complete honesty. (if you haven't read my post before this one, about writing and honesty please do!) She gets me... she has a listening ear and heart, and when she spoke it only created new thoughts in me - things that I hadn't even realized until she shared them.

Earlier that week I told Britt (my sweet sister) that week had been filled with some of the hardest days in my life; and that is no exaggeration friends.

Truth is... I had been struggling with a private sin. No one knew about it, I hadn't even recognized it; but when I did it hit me like a forced cannon shot. One that keeps repeating its hit until you surrender to move and get out of the way. One that repeats until you admit the fact that the cannon shot hitting you was deserved, and that the only way to get the shot to stop is to admit that you were wrong for doing the thing you did that led to the cannon shot in the first place.

It took me 6 years to finally realize that this big part of my life was sin. As long as I was keeping certain thoughts and feelings, my distance, hatred, selfishness, and unforgiveness towards a certain person - that I was living in sin against God. Call it whatever you want to - stubbornness, blindness.. whatever it may be.

That week on Sunday evening I was on car ride home from youth group with my friend, Jess. She simply asked me how I was doing and after 'beating around the bush' I bluntly told her that I had been struggling spiritually, with certain things at home and with loneliness. Somehow she got to the just of what I was saying (I will skip some words said) and we realized that I was clearly living in sin.

I told her my thoughts and feelings toward a person - ones that I've been having for the past 6 years. She knew what this person had done to cause them, and I told her that I hadn't forgiven that person. Jess told me that I was commanded to forgive as a follower of Jesus - and we both recognized that if I wouldn't forgive this person then I would be knowingly living in sin against God.... and I cannot put into words how much that broke me.

Friends, honestly, I have never been more fearful of God than I was that week. Everytime I came before Him I asked desperately for mercy - that the feeling of conviction would not leave until I forgave this person and asked God for His forgiveness for not doing so sooner and not at all.

That Tuesday night was probably one of the hardest. If my bedroom door had been unlocked and someone had walked in - I probably would've looked pretty hysterical to them. Because I had done something that I only find myself doing when I'm truly humbled, desperate, broken, poor and needy. I made my way off of my bed, filled with tears I crawled on the floor and layed there before God on my hands and knees. My fists were gripping the carpet with every word I prayed and every tear I cried. Most of the time the only words that I could hear myself utter were: "God please have mercy on me. I cannot do this on my own, if I do, I will make the wrong decision. I feel so distant, I am desperate for You Lord. And, I never wanted to become okay with my own sin."

The next 6 days had been one of the hardest days of my life. Questions were asked of me by Caroline and Jess that made me fear what my answer would be. I found myself knowingly living in sin - I had become okay with my own sin, something I had 'sworn' that I would never do. And I had allowed my bitterness toward someone stop me from being faithful to God.

When I talked to Jess and Caroline I told them that I had fear of forigving this person. I told them that I didn't want to forgive this person because forgiving them meant that I had to mend things - and for some reason my bitterness toward this person was more comfortable for me rather then mending things... For some reason I would rather be angry, frusterated, and hurt rather then have to admit the fact that I needed to forgive someone and be forgiven - that seems like a kind of weakness to me. I guess somewhere along the way, something taught me that it wasn't okay to be vunerable, weak or honest and that if you were then you'd be giving someone the upper hand in your life and the chance to hurt you again. Forgiving someone and mending something, for some reason, in my mind that was a type of weakness.

In that week I learned a few things:
1)That pride and selfishness was possibly the root of my unforgiveness. 2)That I didn't fear that the sin this person had done against me would happen again; but that I wanted to just hold onto my bitterness on the fact that it had happened before. 3)And that Jesus not only died for my sin in the past but for my sin here and now, and in the future (yes, I've been a follower of Jesus for 2 years and that has finally settled in.) 4) Also that it's hard for me to know that if this person hadn't done what they did than maybe the just of my past would be different. Maybe I wouldn't have made most of the mistakes I did during the ages of 10-13... Hmm... I guess I'm a "maybe" and "what if" kind of girl.

Friends... after 2 weeks of struggling with this I finally did come to this person and bluntly told them all the things I've shared with you - which led to me forgiving them. He just so happens to be my Dad. For 6 years I had held bitterness towards him, distanced myself from him, wished he hadn't been a part of my life, wondered why he was the way he was, felt abandoned, felt unwanted, and felt unloved. Honestly though, many of those things may stay with me. When I talked to another friend of mine, Nance, about this I told her bluntly that I was fearful that maybe things wouldn't change after I forgave him. That maybe my dad would be the same dad, that maybe the feelings of abandonment, unwanted, and unloved would still take place in my very being. It's no longer a fear of mending things, but of realizing that I'm the only one willing to press on to that. I'm never promised that someone will react the way I do or want them to, or that feelings of my childhood will ever go away - I am promised that if I don't forgive than I won't be forgiven.

I don't know if any of you know of a certain person by the name of Shawn McDonald. :) I love his music, I've been to a concert of his once, but sadly, I haven't had the chance to meet him. But, as I'm writing this I'm listening to one of my favorite songs of his that isn't yet on a cd... During these last few weeks no song has ever felt more personal... here are a few of the lyrics I want to share with you.

Pride walk out the door
I don't need you anymore
I can do it on my own
won't you please leave me alone

Hate walk out the door
I don't need you anymore
I can do this on my own
won't you please leave me alone

All we need is love
Yes, all we need is love

If you pray, I could desperately use some prayer. I am never enough to change myself and on my own I am nothing. I want to leave my comfort behind me, I want to desperately seek Jesus and realize what it truly means to be a follower of Him... to obey His commandments even when it means going against what my flesh wants. And pray for the merciful move of the Lord cutting off the branches in me that aren't honoring to Him (John 15).

Once again, thanks for reading...

Honesty and the written word...

2007-12-04T21:04:00.000-05:00

Good evening friends...

I don't know what it is about me - but lately I've been wanting to write on here more then in my own journal. I've also grown to realize that I'm becoming one who isn't afraid of honesty - even though it hasn't always been that way. I've realized that I'm one who can easily "bear my soul" when it comes to the written word.

Hmm....

I'm writing this because I'm trying to become at peace with it. But, surprisingly, I'm wrestling with it quite a bit...

I'm not wrestling with the fact that I love the written word, or that I tend to give more then just a glimpse into my heart when it comes to the written word. In fact, I tend to lean more toward loving that honesty. Loving that I can "bear my soul" when it comes to the written word. There's something in me that willingly wants to do that and share honestly - rather then censor my feelings or be one to take a step back.

But, surprisingly, I'm wrestling with how others will respond towards my honesty. I'm wrestling with the fact that not everyone favors honesty like I do, and that not everyone will favor that in my writings here. I don't think I should be wondering if I should share all that I want to or not, but for some reason I am.

Let me be blunt and completely honest for a moment...

I think people are terrified of honesty. For some reason people tend to take a step back when honesty or a "bearing soul" is expected. And I don't know why (if you do, seriously, please tell me - I've wondered about that for years!) But that makes me question how people will respond to the fact that I'm not one about censored feelings or making something seem better or worse than it is (even though I used to be.) I'm full of honesty and I long for that in life and in written words. But, I'm wrestling with the fact that someone may not like my honesty shown here - that someone may be turned off or offended by it. That someone may think that I'm too honest, or that "more then just a glimpse into my heart" is just too much.

Sometimes I think people would rather tell you a lie then the truth. For some reason I think some people would rather tell you what they think you want to hear instead of the truth. For some reason I think people censor their feelings because of that. I used to do all of these things...

...Now, I never want to be someone who just "throws it all out there," who doesn't allow anything to be personal; but naturally, I love the written word and have grown to love honesty. And when those things come hand-in-hand... I'm happy. *grin*

Simply - it's who I am. But, for some reason this has been in my heart and on my mind. I'm trying to make peace with it, and the fact that everyone here may not like my honesty. It's been making me hold back on things that I want to write or have been writing... and some things haven't been shared because of that.

Please share friends, I'd really like your thoughts on this...

Good night friends...

A glimpse of the Kingdom...

2007-11-23T08:48:00.000-05:00

It's roughly 9am in the morning and I'm sitting here in my pajamas... I'm surrounded by nothing but the stillness that came with this morning and the sweet sound of Shawn McDonald.

I woke up this morning at 6:30 to seeing a sky full of different shades of morning blues, glistening snow on rooftops and morning dew on the grass. I couldn't help but smile.

I also (gladly) woke up to an empty house. My mom and Britt are out Christmas shopping, (this year I chose not to go, I've never really been a fan of it. This year I chose not to buy gifts. I'm putting all of the money I'd spend on gifts towards the organization I support, Gospel For Asia- http://www.gfa.org/) my dad is out running morning errands, and my brother Shawn (the only one of the four brothers who still lives at home) decided to make his way to a friends yesterday evening and stayed there for the night.

It was good to wake up to nothing but stillness and silence, knowing that my time with Jesus was going to be spent that way. I've been having a heavy-heart lately; but still, I'm in awe of it all...

I thought of something last night that happened months ago. I woke up this morning with it on my mind again, and thought I'd share it with you all. BUT, before I share I have to clarify something...

A few months ago I wrote a blog about a missions trip that I was planning on taking to India through Gospel For Asia this upcoming Summer. Many people have been asking me about it, and I wanted to let you guys know that is not happening anymore. Right now, I don't feel like sharing the story or details of why not, but maybe I will in a later post.

Now... onto what I was going to share.

In June I was at a camp that I've been going to for years. I've been going to this Christian Camp since I was 10, that's even before I became a follower of Jesus.

This year was no different then the others. Except for the fact that I felt that I had a heavier heart than ever; and I was desperately trying not to let that show. I was struggling immensly spiritually, loneliness had once again become a well known 'friend' in my life, and I was struggling with things about India. There was one day at camp that these things played even bigger roles in my life...

That morning I made my way to the tabernacle, outside in the sweltering heat. (I don't know how people live in the South 24/7, when to me Ohio summers are damaging. *grin*) And when I sat down with the lovely ladies in my cabin and listened to the young man teach that morning and we worshipped; I couldn't help but notice that a young lady a few rows away from me kept looking in my direction. When this young man was teaching I kept passing glances in her direction. The longer he taught the more I realized that she wasn't only looking in my direction but directly at me.

Now... I am naturally a quiet and shy one. I don't like people staring at me, I used to have a fear of looking people in the eye, I love meeting new people although I'm not good at it, I don't accept compliments well... And having someone whom I didn't know staring at me, wasn't well taken on my behalf.

When the young man finished speaking I was one of the last ones out of the tabernacle. Everyone had cleared out except me, the band who had played, a few young campers in the back, the man who had taught, and this young lady in her early twenties who had been staring at me during some of the time in the tabernacle. She was sitting on one of the benches near the door that I was making my way to exit.

When I was close to leaving the tabernacle she surprisingly said to me: "can I talk with you for a moment?" So, after making my way over to her she said to me: "I know you don't know who I am and I don't know you, but I know someone who just met you. Jason Driver (look at blogs from this August, one entitled "No More Excuses") shared with all of the counselors about how you had talked with him about India. He said you have such a heart for it and yet you're struggling about going. I'm not here to talk with you about that..." After I let myself settle with the fact that Jason had shared what I told him about India with 12 other people, I simply said okay, wondering what it was then that she had called me over here for.

She hesitated, tried starting her sentences but getting no where. When after moments of sitting there she finally said: "I've been watching you a lot this week. Honestly, I don't know what it is about you but you've been drawn to my attention, and obviously Jason's as well. I don't know you at all but from watching you - you seem like one of the most Godly young women that I have ever seen." At that moment my jaw dropped. I had been staring down at the bench that I was sitting on while she was talking, but now I couldn't help but look her in the face. Thoughts were running through my mind but the only word I could get out was "what?" And she said: "Yes, you seem to be one of the most Godly young women that I have ever seen. I see Him in you."

After she said those words all of the things that I had been struggling with suddenly came rushing to my mind. I told her that I hadn't been 'feeling' very Godly. That I had been struggling with pride, distractions, loneliness, forgiveness, a heavy-heart, and doubt. Nearly 5 times I repeatedly said to her: "how can you see me as someone Godly when right now I don't see it in myself? You don't even know me. I don't understand this at all." She simply said back to me: "You've been laid on my heart. You are a Godly young woman, whether you believe it right now or not - I see it. And we're all going to struggle with things - but that doesn't make you less of God's or less Godly." She left me with the words "I can't wait to see what God has in store for you." Her and I left eachother with a hug. And I walked away in awe...

I think that night during my time with Jesus I repeatedly said the words: 'let me see myself the way she (I soon learned her name was Anne) saw me today, and the way that You continue to see me Jesus.'

I shared a few months back with a dear friend of mine, that for some reason I think we tend to usually see the bad in ourselves. I know I do, I'm a pro! *grin* I told her that maybe the reason we see the bad in ourselves so easily is because out of all people, we know ourselves the best. She agreed with me.

I went to bed last night and woke up this morning with those times on my mind and in my heart again. And I wanted to share them with you...

A question lately that has been on my mind is "how do we (as the Church) be the the Kingdom? And reflect the Kingdom?" I shared with a sweet someone earlier this week that so often I long for people to be the Kingdom towards me... I think 5 months ago Anne's simple words gave me a glimpse of the Kingdom.

I've been working on two other posts, so more later...
Teresa

A weekend and a book

2007-11-20T07:06:00.000-05:00

Hello friends. I was going to write yesterday but I got to do something I haven't done in months. Something that most of us long for throughout the day. Something I've been thinking about nonstop for the past few weeks. Something I've been desperately wanting for the past few weeks as well. *drum roll please*...

I got to take a nap. :) Did it add up to the hype? *grin*

Anyway...

This weekend I made my way up North near Sandusky or Mansfield, Ohio. 17 of us from my Youth Group were going on a Retreat with our Youth Pastor Phil and his lovely wife (my dear friend) Caroline. Britt and I were talking about it Thursday night. She told me that she wanted to stay home more then go on the retreat. I didn't tell her this, but I agreed completely.

Friday evening I sat next to my dear friend Caroline as she was driving, as we were making our way a few hours to the Retreat with 6 girls in the backseat. Most of the time when her and I weren't talking or engaging in conversation or laughter from the backseat, I found myself gazing out the window or leaning foward with my elbow on my knee and my chin in my hand, wondering why I wasn't reacting the way I wish I was toward the retreat. While back home, after paying $40 and packing I had almost changed my mind completely in deciding not to go. Thank God that I didn't...

I don't know about you, but sometimes I truly need to get away. Sometimes I'm desperate for it. Sometimes I truly need to be surrounded by people who are desperate for Jesus and love Him as much as I do; people who are broken, poor, needy, joyful, loving, free, compassionate, saved, desperate, and who want pure devotion. Friends... it was amazing to soak in. :)

Praise God.

Before I get to the meat of this blog, I want to ask for prayer friends. We got a call from my 9 year old neice yesterday; sadly, while I was napping. She told us that her grandmother had just died of cancer a few hours before that. Today my family and I are making our way to the viewing - I knew this lovely woman alittle when I was younger. I just ask for your prayers - for my neice and nephew and their Mom. Just pray that we can comfort them; and just that they would allow this to be a time that they would seek out Jesus and allow Him to save and comfort them...

On happier note...
If you know me at all, even just a tad, you know that I'm one who loves to read. I gained a love for it sometime after I began following Jesus. When I began following Jesus alittle over 2 years ago, I wanted to soak in everything about the Christian faith. Besides the Bible I read books by C.S. Lewis, Mark Buchanan, Donald Miller and Brennan Manning. Thankfully, I still love it.

I'm not one who normally likes fiction. Infact if you'd ask me, I'd most likely tell you that I hate it... and hate is a strong word. In the past few weeks I've learned that I don't necessarily hate fiction; but I only like well-written fiction. Why am I sharing this? Because... that should give you a glimpse at just how remarkable this book that I'm about to share truly is.

The Kite Runner...

I know the The author is Khaled Hosseini. He is from Kabul Afghanistan and I'm pretty sure he's a Muslim. I could be like a lot of people are today and allow those things to make me flinch, and take a step back. But I try not to be like a lot of people. And that has led me to believe he has to be one of the most well-written men.

I normally devour books. This one I took my time with. It almost seemed like if I read it too fast and too soon, I wouldn't get the full affect, that I'd be missing someting.

"There's a way to be good again" is one of the phrases used multiple times throughout this book. I've started questioning it this week. I know that Hosseini's words and my thoughts on this probably differ. I know that in the book the main man wants to be "good" again to experience forgiveness and not hold onto his regrets from the past. But, the one thought that comes to my mind is that the way to be made "good" doesn't really exsist. I only think there is a Way to be made clean and forgiven - and that's through God. I think even being made clean and forgiven won't completely make me good - because I still sin.

This has to be one of the best books that I've read. It is a novel about 2 young boys living in Afghanistan who differ greatly socially. One is rich another his servant. These young boys are friends, but their relationship is an odd one... but maybe one that I think we may experience or witness more then we think. One boy betrays the other and things end up a mess. But, the story unfolds in redemption, in brokenness and forgiveness... a young man truly wanting to know if he has a way to be "good" again.

Hmm... leave it to a novel by a young man in Afghanistan - to bring forth the question, "can we really be "good?"' For me, that doesn't need questioned... but obviously Hosseini questioned it, I bet others do as well...

Please share your thoughts friends...

Teresa

Change....

2007-11-03T15:13:00.000-04:00

It's November and I was hoping that was enough of a reason for me to write... but it's not. But, I'm writing anyway...

I'm sitting in a room with the humming of the fan and the sound of Bethany Dillon filling these ears. It always seems that way. The humming of the fan and music flowing aimlessly while sharing what's been in my life and on my heart.

Life has been busy. One thing piling ontop of another, but still good. On Monday or Tuesday night I talked to a sweet friend of mine who lives on the other side of country. Most of our conversations consist of what God is doing in our lives, what we're learning, coffee we've drank, books we've been reading, what people have said or been doing in our lives, and the 'day-to-day' happenings.

That evening our conversation started the same. Talked about things that filled that day when we both said that we've felt completely consumed. I don't know about you - but I have never had anyone else say those words to me. I have never heard someone bluntly say to me (I'm normally the only one) "I feel completely consumed." But, I said to to Mel and she quickly told me that she agreed and felt the same. Whew...

I don't know about you; but I often wish there were a "pause" button that I could press when things surprisingly start moving too quickly or I just need a break. I can imagine ATLEAST a few of you know where I'm coming from. *grin* I've heard it said.

Last night I was with a dear friend of mine. I was sitting at the bar in her Kitchen (which is a famous place for our conversations) while she was doing something in the Kitchen. Out of the blue she asked me something along the line of: "Is there change?" I was more then kind of confused - I probably sat there giving her a blank stare; the kind that states "I have no idea what you're talking about." I don't even think I asked her to exlplain, but she continued to say: "Is God working in you; is He changing you?" For some reason the answer to that question seemed complicated. I kept starting my possible response with "Well, see" and not getting any farther. Then finally I told her that I've felt a bit stuck. I've felt distracted and comsumed with a lot of things. I've been desperate for Jesus.

For some reason I've come to be one who believes that when I feel like I'm standing still or feeling stuck that no work is being done. That nothing is possibly being taught or changed. Which I'm trying to also face the fact - that can't possible be true because God isn't an idle God.

Right now Bethany Dillon's words are echoing in my ears:
You change me,
You change me.
Thank you Jesus,
I can see, You change me.

I've felt stuck, desperate, idle, needy, poor. (Psalm 86) And during the moments of prayer in my room I've lately found the words "Jesus, don't let me stay where I am." But last night I was thinking about the conversation me and Nance had about God's changing us, and it made me think that my motivation behind those words were wrong. Last night I sat thinking about my time with God over the past few weeks and those words "Jesus, don't let me stay where I am" echoed over and over again in my mind. But, I kept thinking that my motivation was that I'd be brought of this place of desperation and feeling stuck and consumed, and be brought to the place of its oppsite. But the more I think about that the more I realize it's wrong. I think my motivation behind those words should be more like - wanting to be matured and growing, wanting not to stay in this place but to keep moving and growing in Jesus.

More later friends....

Teresa

Less words but just as good....

2007-10-19T19:23:00.000-04:00

Hello friends...

I feel like I haven't written much lately; but when I do it seems to be big and in depth... sometimes an overload. Is that just me or are you feeling it too? But I think my lack of writing has kept people from reading and commenting... so, I really hope there are still a few of you reading.

Anyway....

The house is quiet. I'm in a room by myself with the humming of the fan and Shawn McDonald's voice being the only things entering these ears. Honestly friends, I love it. I feel like I could sigh a sigh of relief right now. :)

Its been a crazy week. Friends home from college. Looking for a job. Really late nights and phone calls (which deserves a blog of itself. I'm hoping to write about that before I leave for Michigan on Friday morning.) Pressures of school. A family of friends of mine moved. Two dear friends of mine experienced a death... and lets add desperately seeking Jesus onto the list.

I am more tired and worn then I thought. This morning while having time with Jesus I muttered the words "I wish things would slow down" after letting out a long sigh. One of those sighs you breathe when you realize that what you want isn't exactly what you're going to get. *grin*

Yesterday I shared with a friend of mine who was home from college how I've been doing. I bluntly told her the truth, that its been a hard season yet a good one. That things have been hard and I've been pulled and pushed and forced into so many directions... and yet its been good. I smiled with her after sharing those words.

Her and I shared about how we both sometimes feel that there always seems to be atleast one thing that is pulling at us - and that a purely good season has been hard to find lately. How true those words feel!

While mentioning the topic of college..
Yesterday I got to see some dear friends of mine who are home from college. Four friends of mine came home this week for Fall break and two of them I got to spend time with yesterday. It amazes me sometimes how you expect people to be different (I didn't expect this - but I've heard it said) after you haven't seen them for an amount of time, how you expect them to look and act different, and not relate with you at all. Gladly (and expectedly), those assumptions weren't true at all. :)

Quickly jumping onto something else....

I woke up this morning alittle after 5:30 (yes that's AM - I can picture a few of you wincing at the thought of that *grin*) and after getting ready for my day and having some time with Jesus I looked out the kitchen window. The very spot that I often found myself 2 years ago during the summer mornings. I'd sit there sipping on some cappuccino while the sun was rising. I thought of that this morning while I looked out the window to see a pale blue morning sky filled with the darkest, puffiest, clouds I had ever seen.

Nearly an hour after that I looked out the very same window to see the sun rising and the sky filled with a hint of orange and dark pink. The dark puffy clouds were now bright white and the beams of the morning sun were peaking through. I sat there smiling, wishing, again, that time would slow down. I wanted to take a picture... but then I'd miss minutes of what I was seeing. :) And those few minutes were SO WORTH IT!

The picture of that is engraved in my mind and the feelings I had while seeing that is left in me. Completely amazing friends. :)

I have more I want to share... which I will try to do before I leave for Michigan on Friday.

Please check out a few of the last blogs if you haven't...

Teresa

A few thoughts...

2007-10-16T07:29:00.000-04:00

It's 7:30 in the morning and it's still dark outside. I think that is something I've always liked about Summer - the sun rises at 6am...

How are you doing friends?... What have you been up to? What have you been reading, watching, listening to, feeling, learning? I'd really like to know.

I had 2 friends share something with me this week. Saturday afternoon I got a text message from a friend of mine telling me that a dear friend of hers had died. She said that she was out of town and that someone had to call her to let her know that her friend had died.

Yesterday my cellphone rang to let me know that I had another text message. Another friend of mine was letting me know that a friend of hers was killed in a car accident and left a daughter behind.

I have never experienced death personally - no one close to me has ever died. But when I got these words from these friends I can't help but be grieved over it. Yesterday morning I spent the whole morning getting ready for the day and having time with Jesus while crying over (the first mentioned) the friend of mine.

Yesterday while sitting in my room after getting both messages I started wondering how in the world will I deal with death at a personal level? I started imagining the grief that could and would take hold of me. Then I started thinking of people that I love dearly and imagined them leaving the earth and taking their last breath.

It doesn't seem real, friends. Death doesn't seem real. To imagine someone leaving the earth and taking their last breath isn't fathomable. It seems fake, made up. Something I can't begin to grasp....

But,yesterday I kept trying to truly grasp all of this at once. (Yes, I just said it's something I can't grasp - so apparently I was doing something impossible). People dying. Friends suffering. Losing someone. Grief that could take hold of me. But, I don't think it's something that can be fully grasped at all.

Within the last 4 days those are somethings that are getting LOUD in me. Things that have been circling over and over again in my mind... and thoughts and words that just won't leave me alone.

Please do pray for these friends of mine. I long to be with them and comforting them - one is 2 hours away and the other across the country. Please pray that they would trust that God is the Comforter. His comfort is far better than what mine could be! And please pray for the families of the ones that died as well....

Even Jesus wept when Lazarus died... if Jesus reacts in the same way we do - then I'm sure it will never be something easily grasped by man.

If you haven't already, please read my last blog.

Teresa

A Waste...

2007-10-04T20:07:00.000-04:00

I woke up around 6 this morning to find fog outside. And hours later I was looking out the window to still see patches of fog and air that looked misty, with the sun's rising beams beneath the roofs of houses across the street. And for some reason, I've loved that this morning. Its made me smile.

I know my last blog was not so short and not so sweet; but those words shared about places I have been in. Anyone who read and commented, read, or is yet to do either of those... I thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts about the places I've been in and my honesty.

In the midst of these things this morning I decided that I'm really going to get back to blogging. Believe it or not, I've missed writing here frequently and reading what other people think of the things that I've shared. The past few weeks I've been wanting to write but it just hasn't been flowing, friends.... but alas, I'm writing today and with one thing in mind...

I don't know if you have ever heard someone say something or do something that doesn't seem to leave your mind or heart, even days after the words were said... but, this occasion seemed to bump into me Sunday night.

I shared with you in my last blog that I was with a few people who were sharing what has been on our hearts and about delighting in God - and how our words were just filled with honesty when sharing with one another. When we circled and prayed together we decided to go out to eat afterwards.

We were all sitting eating the food that we had just ordered when a young man in suite and tie suddenly comes up to my seat and leans next to me asking "Are you saved?" I looked at him and said "yes" expecting that he'd notice the confidence in my answer and walk away. But he didn't. He said back to me "are you sure?" After the few shocking seconds of realizing that he had asked me again I answered "yes, I'm positive." And he walked away placing a tiny piece of paper on the table in front of me reading words that I can't remember, but things about abortion and supporting and loving the unborn.

After walking away from our table this young man (whom I soon found that he knew some of the people I was with that night, and that this young mans' name was Jason) approached an older man sitting at the table diagonal from us, with the newspaper held above his face and his eyes scanning every word. Jason walked up to him and asked "Do you know Jesus? Are you saved." The older man wasn't distracted at all by Jason or his words - moments after Jason asked this question his eyes were still scanning every word. (by this time if Jason had looked over at my table he would've known that I was hooked and listening to every word that would be spoken by the two of them.) Jason leaned in closer to the man and asked "Do you go to Church regularly?" And the older man folded down his paper (by this time he was filled irritation) and said "I don't think that's any of your bussiness" and he stormed out of the resturaunt with his coffee and paper in hand, leaving Jason standing there.

After walking away from the table and doing 'this and that' Jason made his way back to our table. He stood there for a moment at the end of the table, where I was sitting; and he suddenly said "Did you hear that guy?" I/we shook our heads yes... and Jason said "He can just go to Hell! He's a jerk!" At the end of that sentence I quickly looked towards Jason, who was right beside me, and said in brokenness "Man, what? What in the world did you just say?" And at that moment he shrugged his shoulders saying "well?" and walked away.

I have never been filled with such anger and brokenness at the same time. My face was hot, my throat was dry, and my heart was breaking. Those words were repeating over and over again - and this had only been nearly a minute after Jason had walked away. I looked around the table at the 10 dear friends of mine sitting with me that had just heard what this man had said. I said to them: "How in the world can he say that? What if we all treated the lost that way!?" And one said back to me "Teresa I think he was joking." I'm sorry... but that is the least funniest joke that I have ever heard....

During the rest of our time there I was fighting back tears and repeatedly saying/asking "how in the world could he say that?"

I went home that night and ran into my room, locked the door, paced around my room praying with tears streaming down my face. I think I came to the point where my prayer wasn't a whisper or an average volumed voice... I was broken and angry before God. I paced around the room constantly saying to and asking God countless words and questions about what had just filled an hour of my life.

These thoughts are still running through my mind and tearing at my heart.

Seriously friends, what if we ALL treated the lost that way? I do not understand how this young man walked up this older man with one thing in my mind: telling him about Jesus; and walked away thinking: he can go to Hell. Friends, we have a short time to walk to people with the intention that Jason first had... I have no idea how I will react if I find that we'd ALL walk away with the thoughts that Jason had while leaving this man.

What a waste of our lives. What a wasted life.

It has made me sick friends. If we are the Church, then lets act like it. The moment we take the words "he can just go to Hell" lightly, that is the moment that the lost just become another "group" of people in our minds, that is when anger fills our hearts and minds rather then love towards them. That is when telling them about Jesus is maybe, just maybe on our Top 10 list.

Seriously friends, have we really forgotten what the Church has always been about? Christ crucified, Him saving the lost and calling us to Him and to die to ourselves, and to show others Who He is. If Jason showed me a clear picture of how the Church is being represented or portrayed today - then Church, we need to wake up and truly be the Church - the followers of the one and only God.

It's funny the more I think about it - I don't ever remember reading the Bible and seeing that Jesus was complacent about people and them going to Hell. He never hinted at "you can just go to Hell." His voice was never aloof, He never wanted someone to go to Hell because they didn't respond the way He wished they had; He never wished for that. Friends, why would we condemn (with our words) someone to the Place we had just tried turning them (with God's work in our lives - we could never do that alone - we aren't God) away from?

Those are all the words I can seem to find right now. This is heavy on my heart and circling over and over again in my mind...

Good night friends...
SEEK Jesus and BE His!

"Oh, my soul....."

2007-10-01T21:39:00.000-04:00

I'm listening to David Crowder's new album and just finished listening to the song of his "Rain Down" and it's raining outside; actually it has been all day. How appropriate....

I'm wondering if anyone is still reading this. Its been awhile since I've written... I think everytime I've written lately thats been the case. It's not that I don't have things to write... I have plenty of things. But for me, for some reason, it seems that when I have the MOST to say or to write, the LEAST is said or written.

But anyway... I'm guessing that they'll be many blogs to follow this one because I can't seem to fit everything into one blog... so please do be sure to read them if there are, and to read the past blog if you haven't.

I've been waking up various mornings for the past 4 or 5 weeks to find myself in the bathroom, head over the toilet, throwing up. Last Tuesday was one of those mornings... and I woke up this morning to figure out today would start the same.

When I was younger my mom used to tell me: "Stress manifests itself in many ways; physically being one of them." That's never been the case for me and I never thought it would be; but I'm beginning to think that now it may be. Stress and nothing else (except the obvious) has ever led me to throwing up or being phsyically sick. Stress has always led me to being quieter, weepier, and with less sleep. But, now I'm beginning to think that maybe my mom was right - and that anything is possible.

Friends... these are the things that have kept me from writing. Not stress,but life itself. Things have been thrown in my direction that I haven't been ready for. Sometimes more than what I think is bearable.

Let me just tell it like it is.

I've felt kind of stuck in this place. These past weeks have been extremely hard... a bit rough and tasteless, a bit weepy and with anger, and a bit vunerable. And mixed with many things. I've been wanting to post about it - especially before it got to the point where I didn't know where to begin; but honestly I haven't known how to explain. It seems to be too much placed in front of me that words from a keyboard can't seem to explain it.

I haven't even began to go into depth, but maybe that's too much information. Maybe those are words that have made people want to take a step back or want to exit out of this writing. I don't know.... but sometimes I think people can be afraid of honesty...

Last night I sat in a room filled with nearly 10 or 11 people. We shared about various things that have been on our hearts; things we've been struggling with, and about truly delighting in God. At times when people were sharing I noticed tears streaming down my face; and other times when others were sharing I'd lean to the person next to me and say "I deal with that too."

But, all of these scattering words are to say - that life has been hard and has left this page absent of words... but I thought I'd quickly share why. I'm hoping blogs will be coming soon... about the many things that I've been wanting to write about. Right now I'm treasuring that honesty.

When clouds veil the sun
and disater comes
oh, my soul
oh, my soul

When waters rise
and hope takes flight
oh, my soul
oh, my soul
oh, my soul

Ever faithful
ever true
You I know
You never let go...
(You Never Let Go, David Crowder)

No sleep... but the sun is rising

2007-09-12T07:56:00.000-04:00

Its been over a month since I've written - which if you've been reading here long you know that's quite unusual. It hasn't been a lack of things happening that has kept me from writing - infact its been the opposite. So many things have been happening and I haven't found a way to gather them together into this one blog... but I'm trying.

I tend to be one who losses sleep when things aren't going well. My mind doesn't seem to stop and I tend to overthink things. And my heart just won't tire. I told a friend of mine yesterday that I woke up that morning from only 3 1/2 hours of sleep; and sadly today has began the same way.

I was sitting in the car yesterday with this same dear friend of mine, Nance. I've been friends with her for nearly 6 years. She tends to be that one person - who if you didn't know that you were dealing with something then she could quickly bring it to your attention within a matter of minutes. She knows how to hit you in the spot that you didn't want to go, but the place that needed to be visited. She knows how to open people, and open hearts. We were driving in her van when she looked over at me and said: "Teresa how is life going? How are you really doing?" I sat there and stared out the window for a moment and answered a few vague questions. Then she hit a certain few topics that I didn't want to go to. I answered her briefly and then sighed and said that I didn't feel like talking about it.

But that's not true. I do want to talk about it. I have a lot of things to say, I just don't know how to say them. I have somethings to say and things I'm feeling; but I don't think it's what people want to hear.

I sat in my bed last night talking with a dear friend of mine who I haven't seen for weeks and finally got to hear his voice. He has to be one of the most Godly young men that I know - and I've missed that about him (now that he's not in Ohio) so it was good to get a glimpse of that in him again over the phone. I caught up on how he was doing - I wanted to know. I think "how are you doing" seems to be one of the most unasked questions, or atleast the answers are seldomly cared about... and that truly makes me sad.

I shared with him how I've been doing - something I've been terribly struggling with. He said to me: "Teresa don't do it on your own. Give it to God, Teresa don't try to do it on your own." Those words have been clinging to me.

After hanging up the phone I sat on the floor in the quietness of my room wondering what it was that led me to saying that I didn't want to share with Nance yesterday. The only thing I've been led to is that I've really been trying to handle my life. I told my friend on the phone that lately I've been terrified of weakness, of showing weakness... sitting in the car with Nance, telling her how I've really been doing would show weakness.

I don't know about you - but I really can't handle my life; I don't have complete control over it! Things tend to happen so quickly that I don't have a moment to prepare for them or be on guard. So, I can't handle my life. I don't know why that 5 hours after the drive with Nance yesterday, that I finally began to be at peace with that and realizing this. I don't know why that 5 hours earlier I couldn't have realized that handling my life isn't my own job - that my life in is Someone Elses hands... God's. And maybe then I would've more easily or willingly shared with Nance.

I cannot handle my life; I don't and will never have complete control over it.. The words: "Give it to God, don't do it on your own" are replaying over and over again in my mind. I've really been trying to handle my life; trying to take every single thing under my own control. The words that my friend said on the phone have some how felt as if they've given me permission to realize that I'm not in control of my life - and that I've already been released of that BURDEN.

The burden of taking things upon my own shoulders, finding the right words and actions, dealing with everything as it comes my way, putting a guard up to be prepared, trying to hold things together, and trying to keep weaknesses hidden. It isn't my job... and that isn't my burden to carry alone.

For someone who says that "how are you" isn't asked enough; I tend to confuse myself. Because yesterday when I was asked that question I was fearful to give the real answer.

So, I cannot handle my life and I don't have complete control over it - and I'm not suppossed to.
It's comforting to know that it's not a bad thing to come before Jesus poor and needy.

"Hear O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy." -Psalm 86:1
We're promised to sometimes come before Jesus poor and needy, desperate and broken. But we are also promised that we don't have to handle it on our own - and that Jesus doesn't see that as a bad thing.

Some people may see that as weakness - admitting that our own lives can't be handled by ourselves. Some people may think that is where we ultimately fall... when we admit those words. But, I'm beginning to not see it like that (yes, I know I just completely contridicted what I was thinking yesterday.) I think that is the first step of courage and bravery... when we admit that we can't do it on our own; that we are in desperate need of the only One Who is known to be faithful. Maybe even saying the words "I can't handle my life, I can't do it on my own" to Jesus, is what we were called to do all along... to give up what we thought was ours and rightfully hand it over to Jesus.

I'm sorry about this blog - it's completely disconnected and scattered - a bit all over the place. But, I'm just full of thoughts this morning and desperate to share them.

God, help me to walk in Your promises.

"No more excuses...."

2007-08-10T01:17:00.000-04:00

It's after 1am in Ohio. Those of you who know me well know that I'd usually be asleep 3 hours ago. But tonight that's not happening, my body is tired but my mind can't seem to settle and my heart can't seem to rest. I'm trying to settle in with some David Crowder and writing this blog - but I'm not sure if this kind of thing ever helps.

I have a story to share with you before I get to the meat of this blog... or atleast to where I'm planning on leading. First, let me tell you that I'm sorry for the confusion ahead of time... a big part of this is personal and I'm not wanting very many people to know about this yet until things are final.. or completely planned.

Last week I spent my days at a Youth Camp; one I've been going to off and on for 4 years. While I was there the last 4 days I had the chance to meet a new friend who was a councelor there. I got to meet him, talk with him and get to know him within those last 4 days. Since I've come back home I've been convinced of one thing: if I had 1 reason to be there that week then it would've been to've met this friend.

The last night we talked was our last day there. We have one major thing in common and most of our conversations have been wrapped around that - and I have been completely blessed by that! But, the last night we were there I came to him in tears over this thing... the one thing I was thankful for at that moment was the fact that we were standing outside in the dark so he wasn't able to see my watery eyes. I told him that I'm full of doubt, fear and feeling enable for it (the thing we have in common), and that I've been struggling spiritually.

After I talked for a solid amount of minutes about where I've been and what I'm feeling he looked me in the eye and said: "we are always going to struggle, and our struggles are always going to be hard. Really hard." I nodded in agreement with him. And then he put the things that were in his hands down on the wet ground and looked straight foward and then sideways toward me and said: "Teresa, someone said this to me once. Teresa, are these things excuses now, or are they really big things? Are fear, doubt, or feeling enable excuses for where you are right now - for what God is doing in you right now? Or are they really big things right now? Teresa, you're fearful, doubtful, and feeling like you're enable for this - but maybe you're allowing them to become excuses. Someone said this to me before.. 'no more excuses.' Teresa, God wants the willing and I know you're willing (for the thing we have in common); but maybe you're now letting these things get in the way. Teresa, no more excuses."

Fear, doubt and feeling unable feels so real to me right now. These places that God has allowed me to come into make me feel completely insecure and unprepared... completely enable for where I am and where I'm leading right now. Things that I've been thinking upon and hopefully planning for nearly a year now - but things that I never thought would happen. I don't want excuses, but I think I may be full of them.

This morning I was having some time with Jesus and after praying to Him - the words "no more excuses" hit me hard. Literally. I sat there in the silence of my room and those words were suddenly brought to my attention again. No more excuses. I looked at the passages I just read and I realized that I've allowed excuses to become not only a part of the situation I'm in but also a part of my walk with Jesus. I've allowed my fear, guilt, sin, doubt, shame, and weariness become an excuse for being half-hearted, for questioning God. I've allowed the fact that I'm struggling with fear, guilt, sin, doubt, shame and weariness - make those very things seem okay.

Tonight those aren't the words that I need, but this morning I did. Tonight I'm looking for words like: "seek Jesus, He is there" but like I shared with my friend... I'm prone to believe lies. I'm now prone to allow the fact that I can believe lies be an excuse for me. I haven't been believing the truth about God in my life lately, and I've so terribly allowed that to make me think it's okay to make excuses for myself. Tonight I've allowed myself to think over in my mind the past 2 weeks and how I've felt distant from God while trying to desperately seek Him - become an excuse for myself.I am fearful, doubtful and feeling enable - but I desperately what to come before Jesus with those things and not allow myself to hide in fear because of them.

I'm tired friends, but I want to listen to my friend's advice and to seek Truth as well. I want to run to Jesus now even when I feel enable to. I want to trust His Truth even when I feel fearful, doubtful and enable... I want to trust He has me where He wants me even if I feel fearful, doubtful and enable in the midst of it...

I'm sorry for the wordi-ness but I had a point that I wanted to get across, but I'm not sure if I did. Writing this at 1 in the morning kind of hindered that...

I'm asking for prayer once again.

A Quieted Dream

2007-07-27T15:07:00.000-04:00

I've always been the type of person to have a lot of dreams - things that sometimes seem unreachable and hindered, yet my heart feels at home with it.

Yesterday I was with a friend of mine. I was sitting at the bar on a stool in her Kitchen and suddenly she sat beside me, looked me in the eye and asked: "Teresa, what are your goals? What are your dreams right now, what is it right now that you really want?" I looked at her in the eyes - kind of surprised by the question. I told her: "What are my goals? I don't know." I did know, I do know, but I hesitated. In the past few weeks a part of me has become so fearful of my dreams lately that I haven't been able to share them. But, I built up the courage to tell her that being a Christian musician, a writer, a missionary in India, a photographor, a mother and wife are the very things that I've dreamed of doing... of being. The things I want to further The Kingdom with.

These are the things that make me come alive... music, writing, the people of India, black and white photographs. Making my own music with my own hands and my own words, scribbling my thoughts on paper and allowing them to become more then just that, taking what I think is beautiful and capturing that moment and making it even more beautiful, allowing messy little ol' me to be used to spread the Word of God to the people of India.

Yesterday night a friend of my sister's said to me: "I've read your blogs. You're a really good writer!" I thanked her for the words, but I got fearful. I am fearful. The kind of fear that you face when you know things are hindered, things feel completely unreachable but they just don't seem to go away. This type of fear has been whispering in my ear for the past few months... when I grabbed the laptop and sat down to write this fear seemed to be louder... but it is slowing being drowned out by the humming of the fans and the voice of sweet ol' David Crowder. But the fear is still there, I can literally feel it.

Fear is still built within me - the type of fear caused because I've realized that sometimes God wants something to happen and He won't let me thwart it (things that I feel unsure of) no matter what I do.

It has even scared me to share this with you - to share what dreams have been hidding in my heart, some of the dreams that I've been so fearful to share. I've become fearful because these are desperately things that I want. I've become afraid to share what I want because I've become fearful of finding out it isn't what God wants for me or that I'm going to fail... or even that the hindrance in front of me will grow bigger. Music, writing, India, photography are those dreams.

Today these things have been heavy on me, re-thinking the words of my friend and the comments on my writing that I've been getting this week. I love the things that I dream for/of, I've just become fearful of them. My dreams have become quieted because of that.

I used to dream dreams easily - and up until this year I believed that nothing could hinder my dreams. I so easily believed that what I dreamed could simply become a reality. But somehow now; I guess the question that I truly want to ask is: which of these dreams are mine and what dreams are God's FOR me? (Eph. 2:10) If I allow hindrances to stand in my way then what dreams of God's for me will I walk away from... I think we are capable of walking away from what God wanted for us. I trust that God does have dreams for us... things He wants us to do to further His Kingdom, things that He has equipped us to do. I know I will get comments that disagree with me on that.

I am leaving again Sunday afternoon for a week. Once I am back home in a week more blogs will be coming... a "where-in-the-heck-have-I-been" blog and about a few things I've been learning, and life in general. And I'm sure after coming home I'll have more to write about the place that I'm going. :) If you've read my last blog and this one - I covet your prayers over these things.

Seek Jesus and be His...

Teresa

Words of inspiration....

2007-07-27T15:00:00.000-04:00

If you've read this blog for anytime then you most likely know that I'm a reader, a desperate lover of words - if you know me personally then I'm sure you've known that for quite some time now. *grin*

I haven't had much time to soak up reading this Summer like I'm used to... but I decided to borrow this book from a dear friend of mine. This is 1 of the 2 books that I've so far been able to read this Summer. I want to share with you a few quotes from this book... hopefully reading these quotes will lead you into reading this sometime very random, vunerable, God-seeking book. :)

"When God is found and we embrace it with abandon, we embrace the Giver of it."

"I had fallen in love with my spirituality rathen then with the One whom I sought, and in the end it left me void and wanting."

"This is disheartening in that we know our living could be deeper and we have settled."

"It is no wonder we have trouble when trying to fit our "spirituality" into all the stuff of life because we've neglected to bring all the stuff of life into our "spirituality."'

"....Even in the middle of darkness and loss is the unexpected presence of God.."

"Sometimes praise comes face to the ground, unable to move because we are so aware that this holy, terrifying God has busied Himself bringing us back to Him."

Be inspired.... READ IT!

Teresa

A wrestless afternoon...

2007-07-08T11:21:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting on the couch of a few friends of mine, I'm at their home that is nearly 2 hours away from my own. I woke up this morning at nearly 7 o'clock to find myself being the first one awake. I long for that in the morning, the mornings are especially the time that I need to myself; if I don't get that then I feel as if my whole day is off track. I woke up this morning to having my time with Jesus, the cornfields right outside the window, and the shining morning sun. I loved it.

But now it's nearly 4 hours later and I'm feeling completely wrestless, completely unable to find peace and thrown out of my comfort zone. And I've felt desperate. The desperation I've felt has been more real then anything to me. It's felt as if it's been clinging to my very being and the very moment I'm given a glimpse of hope I'm then somehow reminded of the desperation that has found its place in me. I've been reminded of how incapable I am, how unfaithful and forgetful I am... and its been terribly hard.

This morning I read a verse in Pslam that I've been reading over and over for the past few weeks.

"Hear O LORD, and answer me. For I am poor and needy." (86:1)
I've been trying and praying that those words would somehow settle in my heart. That I'd be reminded in this season that God sees the fact that I'm poor and needy as a good thing. That He knows I'm desperate and the very season that I'm in. I desperately want to be reminded that in the times God feels distant that His Promise still stands firm "Never will I leave or forsake you."

Please do pray for me friends. I've been in place of desperation, feeling unfaithful and forgetful of Who Jesus truly is. I'm needy and poor and I trust that God will lead me to Him with that. I know that feeling desperate isn't going to go away so quickly as I had hoped - and I could possibly be led to harder and rougher places then I am now. It could get harder before it gets easier.

"For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, like a great lion to Judah. I will tear them to pieces and go away; I will carry them off, with no one to rescue them. Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek My Face; in their misery they will earnestly seek Me."

"Return, O Isreal, to the LORD your God. Your sins have been your downfall! Take words with you and return to the LORD. Say to Him: "Forgive all our sins and receive us graciously, that we may offer the fruit of our lips. Assyria cannot save us; we will not mount war-horses. We will never again say 'Our gods' to what our own hands have made, for in You the fatherless find compassion."

I will heal their waywardness and love them freely, for my anger has turned away from them. (Hosea 5:14-15, 14:1-4)

Teresa = MIA

2007-07-04T10:32:00.000-04:00

I've been up for nearly 3 hours now, and when I woke up this morning I looked out the window to see a gray - gloomy 'morning' sky. It looks like rain... actually, it looks like rain for the next 2 or 3 days. I sometimes love the rain and thunderstorms, but I hate waking up to them.

It has been nearly a month since I've written - there have been many things that I've wanted to write about: places I've been and the places I'm going, the amazing people I've met, the many things God has been weighing in on my heart, things with family and things with other loved ones. I am sitting here wondering how I'm going to be able to write about everything that has been in my heart and on my mind; but I don't think it's possible.

The last month has been crazy. I've been spending most of my time in cars, other people's houses and other people's churches. I've been running from here to there... from a Missions trip for 6 days, to being home for 6 days and then leaving for 7 more. And now I've been back home for 4 days and I have 4 left to go until I'm gone again for 5 and then home for 3 or 4 and then gone for 6 more. Believe me, it can get exhausting friends!

There are bags and suitcases to pack, things to buy and people to get inthouch with to make sure things are planned right. And very little time for life. Very little time to truly catch-up and have a conversation with dear friends of mine, little time to have peace and quiet and have familiarity again, and very little time to truly reflect on what has been put into my heart and mind during a weekly Bible Study... let alone very little time to be completely quieted and stilled before God.

Sometimes, (like this morning) I'm wishing life had a 'pause' button. A button that makes it so that I'm the only one moving and that when I feel completely ready again - then I can press the 'go' button. Too bad life doesn't have one of those, I know many people who have wished that along with me. *grin*

When I left for the Missions trip it was good. Good to meet so many amazing new people (may have a blog up about them soon.) Good to learn what it truly means to have a servants heart and what it means to realize that God is capable even when I doubt that He is, and that He can work through and in me even when I feel completely enable.

The week after that I got to spend with my brothers Bryan and Mike and my brother Bryans' family. It was refreshing in ways, and yet de-freshing in others (I know, I'm not sure if that's a word either.) Our last night there, my sister Britt and my brother Bryan and I were all sitting around the Kitchen table sharing what God has been teaching us and where we've been in life lately and simply how we were doing. I haven't had anyone ask me that or have anyone share that with me in awhile - so those words were spoken at just the right time. *grin*

And now, for 4 more days I am home. Spending time with family, having Bible Study, having time with Jesus, sleeping in my own bed and catching up on rest, and desperately trying to catch-up with friends that I've been missing.

Saturday afternoon I'm leaving to spend a few days with dear friends of mine that I haven't had the chance to see since December! I may be exhausted and wanting/needing a few things that I haven't been able to have in the past month, but I am terribly excited about this next week. To sit around the table like we did the last time I was there - and share about where our hearts have been, what God is teaching/doing in us, and what life has brought to us. To work together on things that need to be done. And to eat together, share coffee, watch movies, laugh and take walks... I'm excited.

I have more to share. I just wanted to write a 'where-in-the-world-have-I-been' blog (literally.) I have more to write about where God has had me and what He's been allowing to weigh in on my heart, and a few other things.

Thanks for reading... please do comment, I'd love to hear from you. :)

Teresa

Seek!

2007-06-09T19:52:00.000-04:00

Today has been one of those busy days. One of those days that I wish I could find the quiet and be still for only a moment; but that's kind of hard with nine people running around the house. Usually a simple friendly voice that I haven't heard for quite some time, a song I love, or a simple smile can comfort me. But even the sweet music of Bethany Dillon in my ears has left me frusterated and longing for the quiet that I haven't been able to find... inside or out. Today has been one of those days when I've only been able to see "home" for a moment; I haven't been "home" since 10am and finally stepped foot back into it at 7:00pm... yeah, today has been one of those days.

I woke up this morning longing to be near Jesus after a rough nights sleep and after the past night of struggling with Him. In the quiet of the house slightly before 7am I knew it'd be the only time to try and be quiet and still for that one moment. In the quietness of my room I wasn't able to be stilled or quieted, to be relaxed or calmed; but God did briefly breathe something into my heart that I've never heard. Something that I haven't been able to be still enough to completely grasp, but, yet, something that I feel I'm going to be holding onto for awhile... even while I'm struggling.

This morning I was reading through Zephaniah and a few chapters in Amos. Amos isn't normally a book I read, I've only read it 3 or 4 times in the past almost 2 years I've been following Jesus... but for some reason the heading: "A Lament and Call to Repentance" stood out at me.

Through reading chapter 5 very few words stuck out at me, I'm not sure why these words did, but God has been desperately trying to wrap them around my heart.

This is what the LORD says to the house of Isreal: "SEEK ME and LIVE."
"SEEK the LORD and LIVE."
"SEEK good, not evil, that you may LIVE." (5:4, 6a, 14a)

Those simple, short verses weren't placed together and put in big letters in God's Word... but somehow those were the words that stuck out at me, the words that God peirced me with, the words that God has been trying to wrap around my heart and somehow allow me to grasp.

"Seek Me and live. Seek the Lord and live. Seek good, that you may live."

Seek. Seek Me. Seek good. And Live. Seek Me and Live.

I sat in the quiet of my bedroom in the early morning putting those words together... seek Jesus and live. It may sound simple but those words have been hard for my heart to grasp. Somehow I've forgotten what it means to truly seek Jesus, what it means to truly be alive while doing so.

My heart hasn't been able to grasp those words during this busy, unstable, and unstilled day. My heart hasn't been able to grasp those words during the fast-past moments. But, I'm truly wanting to be still and allow my heart to grasp what God is trying to get across to me what it really means to seek Jesus and live; because somehow I've forgotten what it means to be still, to truly seek Jesus whole-heartedly and to live.

Seek Jesus and live...
Teresa

The words of a 5 year old...

2007-06-06T20:13:00.001-04:00

Today I got to spend time with some of my favorite people in the world: my 8 year old neice Kiesha and my 5 year old nephew Ethan.

I told my sister Britt today as her and I were watching Kiesha and Ethan play basketball near the house with my nephew/brother Tre: "I honestly hate seeing Kiesha and Ethan grow up so fast. But, I love how they're finding even the most simple things amazing."

Those words lingered on in my mind after spending hours of taking walks, playing basketball, picking flowers, watching Cars, playing soccer, eating snacks, singing songs, talking about family, friends, summer and Jesus, taking pictures and just watching the clouds.

There has been something amazingly refreshing today about being around them. I love how they're finding the simpliest things adventurous and full of excitement. Even their onery smiles have created a fresher heart in me- even though they use it so often only to get what they want. *grin*

Today sweet Ethan and I went out on a walk. He asked for some time of just him and I, and so we started down the sidewalk hand-in-hand. We were walking down the street and he looked up at me with his precious brown eyes and the sweetest smile and said: "can you tell me more about Jesus? The things I don't know. Can I know the whole story?" I suddenly had the biggest smile on my face that if anyone were to walk past they'd wonder what on earth could make me this happy and want it too!

The two of us kept walking and I simply told him: "Like I told you before, Jesus is and was perfect. There is nothing wrong with Jesus. He can't sin." Ethan asked me in wonder while grasping my hand: "What's sin?" I said to him: "Sin is the wrong things that we do. Jesus can't do those things. Sin is when we lie, when we hurt someone on purpose. And you know those people you see on tv that kill another person? That's called murder, and killing someone is also a sin. Sin is the wrong things that we do, the wrong things that people do." Ethan simply said back to me: "Oh... and Jesus can't sin? Jesus is perfect?" "Yes, Ethan, Jesus is perfect, He doesn't sin. I told you before that Jesus died for us, well, if Jesus wasn't perfect then He couldn't die for us. If Jesus sinned and did bad things you and I do then He couldn't die for us because He would be a bad person also. But, we had to have a perfect Person die for us, and that was Jesus." Ethan once again opened his mouth and amazed me with his words: "And Jesus was God and a person, right? Jesus, died. Why did Jesus get killed. How'd they kill Jesus?" "Jesus was on earth because God sent Him to earth because we sin, we do bad things. And Jesus had to die for the bad things that we do because He is the only perfect One. God had Jesus come to earth as God because He was perfect but also as human because He was covered in skin like us. He looked like us, talked like us, ate and felt like us." Ethan sliley said: "Hmm... okay. I get that. But, why'd He die and how?" I said to him, still with his hand grasping mine and his brown eyes frequently looking up at mine as we walked: "People wanted to kill Jesus because He said He was the Son of God; which He was the Son of God because God sent Him to earth. People wanted to kill Him because He was perfect and said He knew and was God, the only One that could save them from their sins."

Ethan asked me: "He said He was God and people wanted to kill Him for it?" I simply said back to him: "Yes." And Ethan, full of confusion and anger and frusteration said back to me: "How dumb! That's just dumb! They killed Him! How dumb." After a few seconds of silence he asked me once again: "How did He die?" "Do you know what a cross looks like? (he said yes.) The people hung Him on a cross, they put nails in His hands and His feet to keep Him there. They let Him die, and His was mom was there to see it all happen. But do you know what else happens? " Ethan looked up at me confused and full of wonder and he said: "No, what happens next?" "Well, after dying on the cross the people put Jesus into a tomb (I explained what the tomb was) and after 3 days Jesus came back to life! Ethan Jesus is the only Person who can come back to life. And you know what? Jesus knew it was going to happen. He knew He'd die for our sins, the bad things we do, but He also knew that He'd rise from the dead." Ethan full of excitement let go of my hand, took a few steps infront of me and jumped as high as his little legs allowed. I said to him: "And Ethan when Jesus rose from the dead, He went back into Heaven. Do you know what that's called? (he said no) it's called 'ascending,' He ascended into Heaven, He left earth after dying for us and went back to Heaven." I looked down at him and he had the biggest smile on his face. He ran and jumped a few feet ahead of me as he shouted: "Jesus went up and up. He went up again, again, again, again, and again and then He reached Heaven! He's in Heaven now!" And then He giggled the rest of the walk back home... and he said to me many times: "Teresa, I love Jesus."

The one last thing he said to me is what stuck. He grabbed my hand again and asked: "Teresa, why do some people go to Church when they don't even like Jesus? Some people sleep in Church, some people don't like Him." I was in awe. I remember walking with him at that moment and saying the simple words of "Thank You Jesus." I said to Ethan: "Some people don't believe in Jesus, they don't believe any of the things I told you. Some people just go to Church because they just go, some people want to know Jesus and others don't. Some people want to follow Him and others don't." Then Ethan finally said to me: "How do you follow Jesus?" "Ethan, the older you are the easier it is for me to explain it to you. But, to follow Jesus you have to really believe what I just told you; and really love Jesus. When you follow Jesus you read your Bible, and go to Church... but those things aren't the most important. You have to really love Jesus and do what He tells you to, you have to know what He tells you to do by reading the Bible. You really have to love Him, and want to love Him and believe in what He says." Ethan finally said back to me: "Teresa, you know what? I really love Jesus. I really do."

Opposites Attract

2007-06-06T09:46:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think that the title of a blog is the best part and when I thought of this one I already got excited about writing. *grin*

I've always heard people say that "opposites attract" whenever someone is referring to people in a relationship. I've never really thought about it until this morning when I was having some time with Jesus. That may sound odd, but stay with me here.

This morning when I was reading, after reading so many paragraphs I caught myself praying over and over again. During one of the moments I paused and just sat in the early morning silence of my room. I wasn't able to put together the words that were bottling up inside of me; the words that I wanted to somehow put together and say outloud.

During the moments of silence with my Bible in my lap and the sun shining through the curtains; I caught myself silently praying. Incase you don't know, for me to pray silently is rare. I'm one who says everything outloud - even when it's only me in the room, but especially during my time with Jesus.

During that moment I suddenly began to realize just how different Jesus and I truly are. In that simple, quick moment I realized the differences between Him and I. He is faithful in everything He does, I'm unfaithful. He is pure, holy, and consistent; I am made of flesh and blood and so many times give up or give in too quickly and easily. He gives 100% in everything He says/does/allows - and even in my 'best' moments doubt, guilt, fear and pride linger.

Those thoughts passed through my mind within only minutes... and finally I said words outloud: "we are so different, I don't know why I'm finally realizing this. God, why do you still love me?"

After saying those words I felt a calming feeling come over me, one I haven't allowed myself to be still or quiet long enough to grasp lately.

Those were the thoughts that I left my room with this morning: The God Almighty is a God that can work in me even when doubt, guilt, fear, pride, and discouragement are in my very being. And that opposites truly do attract, God truly does want me even though I fall short, I'm unfaithful, made of flesh and blood, and even though my 'best' moments aren't the best.

Things Unseen

2007-05-31T09:05:00.000-04:00

Monday or Tuesday afternoon I finished a book by one of my favorite authors. "Things Unseen: Living in Light of Forever" by Mark Buchanan. The book is basically about becoming heavenly-minded and not only or always thinking of things on this earth. I want to quickly share with you very few of the profound quotes that I've read in this book!

"Our deepest instinct is Heaven. Heaven is the ache in our bones, the splinter in our heart. Like the whisper of faraway waves we hear crashing in the whorls of a conch shell, the music of Heaven echoes, faint, elusive, haunting, beneath and within our daily rutines. There you are, standing at a window watching oak leaves flutter down from dark boughs, and without a warning your whole body fills with a longing for something you can't name, something you've lost but never had, that you're nostalgic for yet don't remember. You sense a joy so huge it breaks you, a sorry so deep it cleanses."

(Buchanan quoting C.S. Lewis)
"If you read history, you will find that the Christians who did the most for the present world were just those who though most of the next. The apostles themselves, who set on foot the conversion of the Roman Empire, the great men who built up the Middle Ages, the English evangelicals who abolished the slave trade, all left their mark on earth, precisely because their minds were OCCUPIED WITH HEAVEN. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this."

"Take captive literally means to take prisoner. We take prisnor, he says, (referring to Paul) anything that tries to take us prisoner."

"God is proud to be the God of the Heavenly-minded."

The day I finished reading this book I talked to a friend of mine on the phone and we got to talking about this book and he said: "The book sounds good, but, does it only talk about being Heavenly-minded? Does it over emphasize being Heavenly-minded that it isn't telling you how to be both? Does it tell you how to be earthly-minded and yet Heavenly-minded? Because if you're only one then that's not good either."

That last quote that I shared with you made me think of a question and something I've been wondering since I've finished this book. This book mainly states how we become Heavenly-minded, which is the very first place to begin. But now my question is: how do we balance being Heavenly-minded and thinking upon things of this earth? Do they go hand-in-hand? If you have any thoughts please do share them with me. I'm not looking for a specific answer, only your thoughts.

Blessings....
Teresa

Light in the dark spaces

2007-05-28T09:47:00.000-04:00

The man who preached at church on Sunday, who was 'filling in' for our Pastor who was out of town said something along the lines of: "I think almost anything can derive from pride." When he said those words yesterday I didn't even take a moment to think upon them; they went in one ear and out the other. Infact, yesterday I didn't even realize he had said those words. But, for some reason this morning I was reminded of them and they have been heavy on my heart. I believe him, I think almost anything can derive from pride.

Two hours ago I was sitting in the quiet of my room and trying to spend some quiet time with Jesus, something I've been in desperate need of. I was reading through Haggai, which this year has turned into my favorite book in the Bible. If you've never read it or haven't read it in awhile then I suggest that you spend time in that book. It just so happens to be one of the shortest books in the Bible but also packed-full of things we need to hear and take to heart.

I've literally read this book nearly 20 times since the beginning of the year, and usually the same words speak to me and that's why I read it because I normally know what to expect. But, this morning God suprised me, first with the words of the elder who preached at our church and then with 'new' words from Haggai that lept off the page and into my heart.

'The glory of this present house will be greater then the glory of the former house,' says the LORD Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the LORD Almighty. (2:9)

In all honesty, that verse didn't speak much to me until I read it again and then thought about one of the things I've been struggling with and tried connecting it with what was spoken yesterday at church. Pride. "Almost anything can derive from pride." The words in Haggai and those words that were spoken indirectly to me yesterday, I realized were meant for me to hear and to take to heart.

This morning when I was having some time with Jesus I thought this and then said it to Him outloud: "God, I really don't know where I am. I'm lost. I just ask that You don't leave me here, that I don't stay where I am. I'm so much further from You now." In saying those words it was quickly brought to my attention that I was doubting God and the fact that He CAN save me and that He won't leave me where I am. That He can and will change my heart, only because He desires to... not because I want Him to. Those words spoken to me at church and the words that lept off the page finally came together. I was doubting the words God said in Haggai "The glory of this present house will be greater then the glory of the former house." I was doubting that God can change my heart and His words "Never will I leave nor forsake you." Why? Because of pride. And why did my pride lead to doubt? Because almost anything can derive from pride; and in my case its especially been doubt and a wayward heart. The truth is is that God loves me way more then I've ever deserved, more then little ol' prideful, doubtful, wayward-hearted Teresa deserves or expects.

If you would've asked me half a year ago if I considered myself prideful I would've quickly said with the sweetest smile on my face: "No, I'm not prideful." But that answer has changed since sometime in March... I'm full of pride. I struggle with pride like nothing else. The only thing that I struggle with just as much as pride is doubt and a wayward-heart... which I also would've said I didn't struggle with if that would've been asked of me a few months ago.

This morning, in only the 2 1/2 hours I've been awake, God has been shining light on the things in my heart that definitely need to change. The things that I've been trying to hide from Him even though I know He knows its there.

Things are much easier said then done . I know that because I've been here many times before, and those of you who have been where I now am can nod your head yes and agree with me. It's much easier to continue falling down then trying desperately to get back up and make my way to the top of the hill knowing the Enemy is attacking at any given moment. It is much easier to pretend the things in my heart aren't there or that I'm truly not struggling then it is to fall on my knees with my face buried in the carpet at Jesus' feet. The things we don't want to do are easier then the things we should do (in some cases.) Even in the times that I desperately want to come before Jesus humbled sometime it's easier not to. It's easier just to give up and give in then it is to press foward and somehow find the strength and trust in God to keep on going even if it seems we're only going downhill.

Please do pray for me friends, that I would truly take these things to Jesus' feet. That I wouldn't pretend they aren't there or that I'm not struggling- because when I begin to do that then I'm going to be led into thinking they really aren't there and then not dealing with them at all.

Teresa

"Sometimes I really don't like who I am."

2007-05-27T17:11:00.000-04:00

I once read something that a wise young lady wrote: "Sometimes I really don't like who I am." Ever since I woke up Thursday morning those words have been repeating over and over again in my mind. Sometimes I really don't like who I am.

I had something happen last week that made me experience what it truly means to not like who I sometimes I am; who I sometimes can be. I had an experience where I had to see the very things that hide in my flesh, the very things I hate spurt up and take action.

A dear friend and I had big plans with a few other friends to get together earlier this week. Certain things happened, people changed plans and their minds and therefore, things didn't work out the way we all thought it would. Come Wednesday afternoon, I called this dear friend of mine to see if things could still work out for the two of us to get together. It had been over 5 months since I've seen this sweet friend's face, and I was getting terribly tired of only being able to hear her voice over the phone. When I called her and she answered the phone I already began to regret calling her, I knew she wasn't doing well and I could sense a hint of anger, frustration, and annoyance in her voice. But, she told me things weren't going to work out- and understandably, I figured that would be her answer considering the last 24hours.

At this point I was a bit disappointed. I knew when I called what answer I would get to that question, so why did I call? I really don't know... but I was soon to find out why I shouldn't have called. Within only minutes into the conversation and after she had explained to me that things wouldn't work out for us... I let those very things that hide in my flesh, the very things I hate, spurt into action. And honestly, I cannot let the fact that I'm human be my excuse (that would become lame and useless after a while), or even the fact that I'm 15... I may be human and only 15... but I know where to draw the line.

So, I said to her words that I should've never said, things that could quickly be 'misunderstood.' That is where I messed up, that is when I assumed she would completely understand everything I meant behind those words. That is when I thought she possibly couldn't misunderstand me. But she did... or at least I'm still trying to make myself think that. She got angrier, more upset, and her annoyance with me simply turned into complete frustration. She said back to me a few words that I won't mention here. (I want to keep the gist of this personal, between her and me.) This is when I finally began to think she misunderstood me, that my words could've been taken in a different way then what I meant. I simply tried putting in my words, "No. Wait, I didn't mean it that way! Sorry, I shouldn't have said that." I had a lack of words, and she simply said back: "Teresa, you know what, I need to go." And I was left with the sound of the dial tone.

Sometimes I really don't like who I am. Within seconds after she hung up on me I began to cry like a baby. I sat in the silence of my house replaying the conversation in my mind and finally realized how she could've misunderstood me. I might've made a stupid move when I didn't call her back right away, but I got the 'hint' that she didn't want to talk to me when the dial tone was the only thing I could hear.

Sometimes I really don't like who I am... sometimes I honestly don't like that I can lean toward selfishness. Heck... I won't make it sound better then it is.... sometimes I HATE that selfishness can sometimes define my attitude and my motives. Sometimes I hate when I try to justify what I said with: "she misunderstood me." I still don't know what my motives were for the words I said to this friend. Maybe I simply won't find out what my motives were, or maybe I'm just afraid to find out that selfishness and pride were the root of my words.

That evening I went to Church and we sang the words: "May the words I say and the things I do/ make my lifesong sing to You." I stood there with nearly 80 other people in the room and tears were beginning to well up in eyes... sometimes I really don't like who I am.

The weird thing is, is that no one knows what happened earlier this week besides my sister. Maybe I haven't told anyone because I don't want anyone to know what I've been feeling, I don't want anyone to know what has led me to tears, anger, frustration and guilt this week... or maybe I don't want anyone unrightly angry at this friend of mine for hanging up on me. Actually I think it's all of these reasons.

These few days with not hearing her voice, I've been questioning what my motives were toward the words I said. And I'm slowly beginning to think that I was trying to justify what I've been feeling. The only thing I've been able to gather up during these past few days is that sometimes I really don't like who I am, sometimes I don't like the things that lurk and hide in me- the things that can take action at any moment, and that sometimes I try to justify myself. I desperately need God's grace to cover me. I truly hope that I would sit in the silence and listen to and for His voice... even when it's hard, even if I'll hear things that I don't want to accept about myself.

This isn't exactly what I had in mind for my first blog... but it's led me to write, nonetheless.

Thanks for sharing with me....

Teresa